The Emperor's New Groove Quotations

The Emperor's New Groove is an animated comedy starring David Spade, John Goodman, Patrick Warburton and Eartha Kitt, with music by Sting and John Debney. The sleeper hit was released by Walt Disney Pictures at the end of the year 2000.

The film has spun off a sequel, Kronk's New Groove, and a TV series, The Emperor's New School.

Kuzco

[to Rudy; whiny] Awww! You threw off my groove!
[examining his brides] Let's take a look, see... hate your hair, not likely, yikes, yikes, yikes, and let me guess: you have a great personality.
[after Pacha asks where he and his people will live after their village is demolished] Hmm... Don't know, don't care. How's that?
[to Pacha] When I give the word, your little town thingy will be... bye-bye. Bye-bye! [Pacha is taken away]
[narrating; referring to Kronk's "theme music"] Big, dumb and tone-deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.
[narrating] Um, what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to me?
[sarcastic] Oh, boo-hoo! Now I feel really bad! Bad llama!
Yay, I'm a llama again! [beat; realizing] Wait...
[walks in soaking wet] Okay, why does she even have that lever? [kicks the alligator biting his tail; alligator whimpers and runs away]
[while firing Yzma] Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outplacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your options - take your pick. I got more.

Yzma

[about Kuzco] I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And I'll put that flea in a box. And then I'll put that box in another box. Then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, [laughs maniacally] I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! [Knocks over the potion, which makes a plant explode] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this!
Pull the lever, Kronk. [Kronk does so and sends her falling through the wrong hole] Wrong lever! [walks back, soaking wet, and being bitten by an alligator] Why do we even have that lever? [gives the alligator a backwards slap; alligator whimpers and runs away]
[Immediately after Kuzco's supposed funeral] Well, he ain't gettin' any deader! Back to work.
We've been wandering in circles for who-knows-how-long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel!
[Holding the human-potion after getting turned into a cat] Looking for this? [Realizes her voice is now high and squeaky] Is that my voice? [coughs] Is that... my voice?! [pause] Oh well.
[as a cat] I'm not going to drop it, you fool - I'm going to drink it, and once I turn back into my beautiful self, I'm going to kill you! [laughs maniacally]

Others

Chicha: [smiling] Okay everybody, move aside. [pats her pregnant belly] Lady with a baby comin' through.
Guard: Come on, men, nobody lives forever! [At which point the guards jump down a hole and aren't seen again]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to him. He's trying to lead you down the "path of righteousness". I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!
Guard: Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?
Kronk: What are the odds that trap door would lead me out here?
Guard: For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline!

Kronk: (gasp) my spinnach puffs!

Dialogues

Pacha: [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers] Hey, are you all right? [helps Rudy down] What happened?

Rudy: Well, I... I threw off the emperor's groove.

Pacha: [in disbelief] What?

Rudy: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!

Pacha: [gasps in shock] Well, I'm supposed to see him today...

Rudy: DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE!

Pacha: O-okay.

Rudy: Beware the groove...

Pacha: Hey, are you going to be okay?

Rudy: Groove...

[After Kuzco fires Yzma, she takes out her anger by using a hammer to smash idol heads of him that Kronk puts out.]

Yzma: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! Does he... [to Kronk, about a misplaced head] A little to the left.

[Kronk nudges the head so Yzma can smash it. She then continues to rant.]

Yzma: ...have any idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him!

Kronk: Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.

Yzma: [dryly] Yeah. Go figure.

Kronk: Still, it's kinda better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?

Yzma: [comes to a realisation] That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco!

Kronk: The real Kuzco?

Yzma: Of course the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant!

Kronk: So, how does that work with you being fired and all?

Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.

Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?

Yzma: To the secret lab!

[Yzma is shocked that her potion turned Kuzco into a llama instead of killing him.]

Yzma: What?! A llama?! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!!

Kronk: Yeah, wierd.

Yzma: [looks at Kronk angrily] Let me see that vial!

[Kronk gives the vial to Yzma. The label is folded half-way revealing the top half of a skull. Yzma unfolds the top of the label with her thumb, revealing a logo in the shape of a llama.]

Yzma: This isn't poison. This is extract of....LLAMA!!!

[She tosses the vial at Kronk; it hits him in the head and falls, shattering off-screen. Yzma growls in anger.]

Kronk: You know, in my defense, your potions all look the same. You might wanna think about re-labelling some of them.

Yzma: [to Kronk] Take him out of town and finish the job, now!

Kronk: What about dinner?

Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.

Kronk: How about dessert?

Yzma: [starts to protest, but stops] Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.

Kronk: [hopefully] And coffee?

Yzma: All right, a quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!

[While Kuzco is in a bag, about to go over a very large waterfall]

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You're not just gonna let him die, are you?

Kronk: A Shoulder Angel...?

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the "path of righteousness". I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Ah, come off it!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You come off it!

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You!

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: "You" infinity.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: [growls in frustration]

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: [to Kronk] Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one: [points to Kronk's Shoulder Angel] Look at that guy! He's got that sissy, stringy, music thing.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: We've been through this - it's a harp, and you know it.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: All right. So, that's a harp... and that's a dress!

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Robe!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Reason number two: [as he does a one-handed handstand] Look what I can do!

Kronk: But, uh, what does that have to do with this--?

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: No, no, he's got a point.

Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're starting to confuse me, so, uh.... "be gone", or, uh, you know, however I get rid of you guys.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil: That'll work. [they poof out of existence]

Chicha: So, what did the emperor want?

Pacha: [clears throat] Oh, you know what, he couldn't see me.

Chicha: [angrily] Couldn't see you? Why not?!

Pacha: I don't know.

Chicha: Well-well, that's just rude!

Pacha: Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.

Chicha: No, no, no, no, no. NO! Emperor or no emperor, it's called common courtesy.

Pacha: Honey...

Chicha: If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him, and you know I would!

Pacha: Sweetie, sweetie. Think of the baby.

Chicha: Pacha, I'm fine. This baby's not coming out for while. But even if it was, I'd give that guy a piece of my mind! That kind of behavior just- just- [snorts]. I gotta go wash something.

Kuzco: No touchie.

Pacha: Agh! Demon llama!

Kuzco: Demon llama?! Where?! [see a real llama and screams]

[After Kuzco realizes he's been turned into a llama]

Kuzco: My face! My beautiful... beautiful face! [goes into hysterics as Pacha tries to calm in down] Llama me!

Pacha: What happened?

Kuzco: [trying to calm down] I'm trying to figure that out, okay? [falls and starts whining again] I can't remember! I can't remember anything! Wait a minute. [turns towards Pacha] I remember you! I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was. And then you got mad at me-- [gasps in shock, then turns back to Pacha angrily] Then you turned me into a llama!

Pacha: Wha--?! No, I did not!

Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me!

Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?!

Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me!

Pacha: What?!

Kuzco: [pauses] You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.

[Pacha and Kuzco are swinging to safety.]

Pacha: Don't worry, Your Highness. I got ya! You're safe now!

[The vine from which they are swinging from catches, spins them around numerous times and binds them firmly to a log.]

Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?

Pacha: No, no, no. It's-it's okay. This-this is all right. We can figure this out.

[The log starts to break in two.]

Kuzco: I hate you.

[The log breaks completely, sending them plummeting to the ground.]

Pacha & Kuzco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[Still tied to the log, they drop into a fast-flowing river, hit a number of rocks, then luckily are bounced into far calmer waters]

Kuzco: I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.

Pacha: [eyes widen] Uh-oh.

Kuzco: [resigned] Don't tell me: We're about to go over a huge waterfall.

Pacha: [also resigned] Yep.

Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Pacha: Most likely.

Kuzco: [pause] Bring it on. [yells as they go over] BOO-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

[After Pacha revives him, Kuzco is washing his mouth out with water.]

Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss!

Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it, [spits the water onto Pacha's fire, putting it out] it was "dees-gust-ing"! And to think - if you'd done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life! [shakes off the water from his fur, which puts out the fire Pacha has just re-lit] But now that we're here, you will take me back to the palace. I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. Oh yeah!

Pacha: Okay, now look, I think we got off on the wrong foot here.

Kuzco: [uninterested] Umm-hmm.

[He starts drying himself off with Pacha's poncho]

Pacha: [continuing] I just think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.

Kuzco: [finishes drying off] And why would I do that?

[He throws the poncho over the fire, putting it out again]

Pacha: Because... [controls his anger] deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.

Kuzco: And that's...bad?

Pacha: Well, yeah! Uh, nobody's that heartless.

Kuzco: Mmmm. [pauses] Now take me back.

Pacha: What? Wait, wait! How can you be this way?! All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you!

Kuzco: Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program, eh, Pacha?!

Pacha: You know, someday you're gonna wind up all alone. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Kuzco: [sarcastically] Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.

Pacha: Looks to me like you're stuck out here. Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.

Kuzco: [imitating Pacha] "Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back. Me, me, me..." [Picks up an acorn and throws it at Pacha, hitting him on the head. Pacha looks round angrily] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't-- Somebody's throwing stuff. You gonna start that fire?

Pacha: [sighs] He's never going to change his mind.

Kuzco: [Goes out a way to lie down, then sighs as well] How am I ever going to get out of here?

Tipo: [waking from a dream] DAD, LOOK OUT!!!

ChiCha: Tipo, what is it?

Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log, and was careening out of control down a raging river of DEATH!

ChiCha: It's all right, it's all right.

Tipo: It was awful!

ChiCha: It's okay, Tipo, calm down, it was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the Emperor.

Tipo: Oh, you mean like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.

ChiCha: That's right.

Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama!

Tipo: Yeah, like that would ever happen.

Chaca: It could!

Tipo: Nuh-uh!

Chaca: Yeah-hah!

Tipo: Nuh-uh!

Chaca: Yeah-haaaaah!

Tipo: Nuh-uh!

[They keep exchanging "nuh-uh's" and "yeah-hah's" at lightning speed]

ChiCha: Good night, you two.

Tipo, Chaca: Night, Mom!

[They continue as ChiCha blows out the candle]

[Kuzco has just rescued Pacha from falling back into the canyon.]

Kuzco: Whoo, yeah! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right outta the air! [at the canyon] "Oh, I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well not today, pal! [shuffling to dance] Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-uh.

Pacha: [stunned] You...just...saved my life.

Kuzco: Huh? [pause; tries to look deadpan] So?

Pacha: I knew it!

Kuzco: Knew what?

Pacha: That there is some good in you after all.

Kuzco: Nuh-uh.

Pacha: Admit it!

Kuzco: You're wrong.

Pacha: There is.

Kuzco: Nuh-uh.

Pacha: I think there is.

Kuzco: [more annoyed] Nuh-uh!

Pacha: You couldn't let me fall.

Kuzco: Hey, c'mon! What's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless! [pauses in shock, realising that he repeated Pacha's words] ... Eh, don't put too much into it. It was a "one time" thing.

Pacha: Yeah, sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a four-day walk to the palace.

Kuzco: [surprised] What? You mean you're still taking me back?

Pacha: I shook on it, didn't I?

Kuzco: Well, yeah, [sounds guilty for a moment] but I hope you realise that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.

Pacha: Well, four days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.

Kuzco: [unconvinced] Uh-huh. Four days... what are the chances of you carrying me?

Pacha: Not good!

Waitress: Ordering... [Kronk turns around and starts stuttering] Four combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. [Kronk stands silently staring] You got all that, honey?

Kronk: Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast, change the bull to a gill. Got it!

[Yzma and Kuzco are ordering meals from Kronk. When one exits, the other enters, so they never see each other; Kronk meanwhile thinks they are making the same order]

Yzma: While you're at it, make me the special. And hold the gravy!

Kronk: Check. Pickup!

Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.

Kronk: Meat pie. Check.

Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?

Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.

Yzma: [growls in annoyance]

Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, buddy?

Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?

Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.

Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.

Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.

Kronk: Hold the cheese.

Yzma: No, I want the cheese!

Kronk: Cheese it is.

Kuzco: Cheese me no likey.

Kronk: Cheese out.

Yzma: Cheese in!

Kronk: Ah, come on, make up your mind!

Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...

Yzma and Kuzco: [together] ...make my potatoes a salad!

[Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist. Suddenly Kronk jerks awake]

Kronk: The peasant, at the diner! [pause] He didn't pay his check.

[Falls back asleep, but then jerks back up]

Kronk: [rapidfire] It's the peasant who I saw leaving the city; he disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart! [gasps, both in realisation and to regain energy] He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him... we find Kuzco! Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma!

[Runs into her tent]

Yzma: What?!

[Yzma sits up with cold cream on her face and cucumbers on her eyes]

Kronk: [recoiling] Uuuuuurggghhhh!!

Yzma: This had better be good! [the cucumbers fall off her eyes]

Chicha: [To Yzma] You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way. But, as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you came by.

Yzma: Oh, would you, please? That would be just great. [Yzma makes an exaggerated gesture that makes her knock her tea cup off the table] Oops. Silly me.

Chicha: No no. [exhaustedly] Allow me. [Chicha bends down to get the cup. Because she's pregnant, she has trouble picking it up.]

[ChiCha has managed to shut Yzma and Kronk in a closet]

Yzma: All right, I've had enough of this! Tell us where the talking llama is, and we'll burn your house to the ground.

Kronk: Uh, don't you mean "or"?

Yzma: [sighs in exasperation] Tell us where the talking llama is, OR we'll burn your house to the ground!

Chaca: Well, which one is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction!

Yzma: [growls] That's it! Kronk, break the door down!

Kronk: Break it down? This is hand-carved mahogany!

Yzma: I don't care, you fool! Get out of my way! I'll break it down myself.

[After a long chase sequence, where Yzma and Kronk fell into a canyon, Kuzco and Pacha have reached Yzma's laboratory and are looking for the human potion in a cabinet.]

Pacha: Let's see. Lions, tigers, bears--

[There are no bottles in the human section.]

Yzma: Oh my! [Steps out of a shadow holding the potion] Looking for this?

Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?!

Yzma: Ah.... [Looks confused] How did we, Kronk?

Kronk: Well, ya got me. [Pulls down a chart displaying the progress of the previous chase] By all accounts, it doesn't make any sense.

Yzma: Oh, well. Back to business.

Kuzco: [chuckles nervously] Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But Yzma, you really wanna kill me?!

Yzma: Just think of it as...you're being let go. That your life's going in a different direction. That your body is part of a permanent outplacement.

[A look of fear crosses Kuzco's face as he finally understands Yzma's motives.]

Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.

Yzma: I know. It's called a cruel irony. Like my dependence on you.

Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!

Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting this...

[Yzma starts to pull up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream]

Yzma: [revealing a knife strapped to her thigh] Aha!

[Kuzco and Pacha sigh with relief]

Kuzco: Oh, okay.

[Yzma has tossed Kronk a knife and has ordered him to finish off Kuzco and Pacha; Kronk's Shoulder Devil appears again.]

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Hey, you're not backing down now, are you, big guy?

Kronk: Uh, where's the other guy?

[Kronk's Shoulder Angel appears sitting in a hairdryer]

Kronk: Yo!

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Sorry I'm late. So, what did I miss?

[As Kronk talks to the Shoulder guardians in his head, Yzma stares and points in disbelief. Pacha and Kuzco simply shrug.]

Kronk: Well, Yzma just tossed me this knife and asked me to... y'know, take them out. Then this guy popped up and we waited for you, and, quite honestly--

Yzma: Kronk! [Kronk and his Shoulder guardians turn to her] Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Whoa now!

Yzma: A really, really big, stupid monkey named Kronk!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Ouch.

Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I never liked your spinach puffs.

[Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil all gasp.]

Yzma: Never!

[Kronk breaks down into tears. Shoulder Angel comforts him.]

Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That's it! [cocks trident like shotgun] She's goin' down!

Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Now, now. Remember, guys: "From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward."

[They look to the heavens and notice a chandelier as an angel chorus sings.]

Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Devil: That'll work.

[Kronk cuts the rope to the chandelier, but due to Yzma's skinny form, it falls around her instead of on her.]

Kronk: Strange. That usually works.

Yzma: And so does this! [pulls a lever for a trapdoor below Kronk]

Kronk: Ah. Should've seen that coming. [falls through, followed by the Angel and Devil]

Cast

David Spade - Kuzco
John Goodman - Pacha
Eartha Kitt - Yzma
Patrick Warburton - Kronk
Wendie Malick - Chicha
John Fiedler - Rudy

Quoternity