The Benchwarmers

Clark

• I love beef stew!
• I got a new text message... my mom says we're having macaroni tonight that means garlic bread.. Yes!!
• Is bad ass one or two words?

Howie

• For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER! [cries]
• Fine, you can eat the thin mints at my funeral, Richie.
• Richie told me about that killer lose in the neighborhood, He is killing anyone named Howie! That’s my name, That’s My Name!

Mel

• Howie, you're a freak.
• Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.
• If you build it, nerds will come.

Other

• Richie: I... love... salad.
• Old Man At The Video Store: I smell Cinnamon rolls...
• Gus: My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.

Dialogue

Gus: Clark, don't pick your nose in front of me?

Clark: I'm not picking, I'm scratching.

Gus: What are you scratching? Your brain?

Clark: Yeah, 'cause it's huge.

Richie: He just did that steroid free!

Clark: What's steroids?

Richie: Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.

Clark: Ohh... there must be steroids in macaroni!

Gus: I think this is a sign that you should get a car.

Clark: My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year.

[Extends arms forward and then retracts]

Clark: She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.

Howie: I used to think the sun was evil but now I know it's not.

Wayne: How's the moon treating you.

Howie: Not a fan.

Howie: What's going all the way?

Wayne: [whispers in Howie's ear]

Howie: Oh.

Howie: [squeezes suntan lotion and screams]Aaaaaah!

Clark: Shut up!

Number 7 Robot: No, you shut up!

Clark: I'll kill you!

Brad: You guys think you're athletes now?

Richie: Haha that's funny I didn't know a-tha-letes had three syllables... thats ama-za-zaing.

Richie: Yeah, We've got ourselves a scrim-im-age.

Kyle: I'm gonna call the cops!

Clark: We are cops!... We're navy seals!

Kyle: Navy seals aren't cops!

Troy: Aren't you our paperboy?

Clark: ...I'm undercover

Kyle: Time to meet your makers!

Clark: Makers of what? POOP?

Wayne: Is that beer?

Carlos: [stumbling] No it's Gatorade honkey, just give me the ball.

Mel: Have you even known the joys of having children?

Richie: Never had a date.

Clark: Never talked to a girl.

Richie: [after Gus hits a homerun] Wow and he did it without steroids.

Clark: What's steroids?

Richie: Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.

Clark: There must be steroids in macaroni!

Marcus Ellwood: Do you still think I look like Yoda?

Gus: No.

Marcus Ellwood: But Yoda's my favorite! You're a bad, bad man!

Richie: Clark, we don't play baseball.

Clark: I told Gus that we would be there, and if we don't go, that makes me a liar... and that's not what I'm about... Not now, NOT EVER!

Richie: [after hitting the ball] I tipped it!

Kid Catcher #1: You're still out.

Richie: You're still fat!

Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

Nelson: His son just did that to me last week.

[looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am]

Clark: This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.

Mel: It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this. [Mel activates the car with his watch]

K.I.T.T: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.

Richie: [to Mel] Who are you?

Mel: Oh, I'm just once of those nerds who grew up...to make billions.