Loaded Weapon 1
National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 (also known as Loaded Weapon 1) is a 1993 comedy film, directed by Gene Quintano and starring Emilio Estevez, Samuel L. Jackson, Tim Curry and William Shatner.
Sgt. Jack Colt: Nice weather? You think we're having... nice weather? I guess you didn't lose the only one that meant anything in your life. I guess you don't feel burned out by the human misery and despair perpetrated by the criminal vermin that infest every pore of this decaying city, forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheaper whiskey to dull the pain that shatters your heart, rips at your soul, and keeps your days forever gray. What flavor Ice you got today?
Sgt. Jack Colt: Claire and I rode together for seven years.
Sgt. Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.
Sgt. Jack Colt: Give me a name!
Beckard: Weren't your parents supposed to do that?
Captain Doyle: Don't be so fast to thank me on this, Luger, because you're going to be naked on this one. It's on the line for you. People are going to be watching. Now you blow it, you're going down. You screw up, you're going to be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you're going to be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants will be dancing with figs. Is that clear?
Sgt. Wes Luger: Everything except for the dancing with figs part!
Valet: [After being handed a large denomination bill] You got anything smaller?
Sgt. Wes Luger: Keep it.
Valet: Anything larger?
Sgt. Wes Luger: [Menacingly] Yeah, I do.
[Valet edges away]
Gen. Morters: Half the payment now. Half tomorrow. Half on delivery.
Sgt. Wes Luger: There's something between you and this General Morters.
Colt: He was my C.O. in NAM. CIA listed him as M.I.A. but the V.A. ID'd him and so we put out an APB.
Wes Luger: Oh, I see.
Sgt. Wes Luger: I don't think York was a suicide. She was on to something.
Captain Doyle: On something is more likely. You know as well as I that this guy's cookies were laced with cocaine.
Sgt. Wes Luger: No wonder I couldn't eat just one.
Wes Luger: We're investigating a felony, Miss Demeanor.
Becker: Do you sleep in the nude?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Only when I'm naked
Dr. Harrold Leacher: Quid pro quo Mr Colt.
Sgt. Jack Colt: What does that mean?
Dr. Harrold Leacher: It means I'm pretentious.
Sgt. Jack Colt: So what are you doing here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Waiting for you.
Sgt. Jack Colt: I mean, what brought you here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: A taxi.
Sgt. Jack Colt: Yeah, but why?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: My car's in the shop.
Sgt. Jack Colt: I mean... (Holds up a sign board) Why the hell did you come here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: The police station would have made me nervous.
Colt: You better go.
(Colt and Luger's car blows up)
Sgt. Jack Colt: Good thing we took valet.
Sgt. Wes Luger: Taxi!
[the taxi blows up]
Sgt. Jack Colt: I guess we're making somebody nervous. But I'll tell you this: It's gonna take a helluva lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off of this case.
Sgt. Wes Luger: Not a helluva lot more.
(Mr. Jigsaw is holding a gun to Sgt. Colt's head)
Sgt. Jack Colt: Who are you?
Mr. Jigsaw: I'm your worst nightmare.
Jack Colt: No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare.
Mr. Jigsaw: Okay, alright, so I'm not actually your worst nightmare. But I am right up there.
Gen. Morters: Where's the microfilm, Mike?
Mike McCracken: I don't know, I gave it to York. I thought she was one of your men.
Gen. Morters: Act in haste, repent in leisure.
Mike McCracken: But he who hesitates is lost.
Gen. Morters: Never judge a book by its cover.
Mike McCracken: What you see is what you get.
Gen. Morters: Loose lips, sink ships.
Mike McCracken: Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing or fighting, my friend.
[Gen. Morters, cornered, looks to Mr. Jigsaw]
Mike McCracken: [Mr. Jigsaw consults Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, shakes his head]
Gen. Morters: Sorry Mike, no good.
Becker: What? I don't know nothin'. I didn't see nothin'. I ain't say nothin'.
Sgt. Wes Luger: Nothing, the word is nothing, not nothin'. There's an i-n-g on the end of it. Nothing.
Becker: Ok, nothing. Nothiiing. Nothiiiiiiiiiiing. Ok, you happy?
Sgt. Wes Luger: That's better.
Sgt. Jack Colt: I gotta know... what *does* human flesh taste like?
Dr. Harrold Leacher: Chicken.
Man in helicopter: (after shooting up a trailer home which then blows up, a man then rises from the flaming wreakage) Is this 1014 Pacific coast Highway?
John McClane: HUH?
Man in helicopter: 1014 Pacific coast Highway?
John McClane: NO! NO THIS IS 814 PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY! 1014 IS TWO BLOCKS OVER THERE!
Man in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!
John McClane: (sarcastically) NO PROBLEM! NO PROBLEM!
Sgt. Billy York: [after being questioned about the microfilm] McCracken!
Mr. Jigsaw: Thank you, Ms York!
(Mr. Jigsaw shoots York and goes to leave)
Mr. Jigsaw: (turns back, confused) Is that Dan McCracken, or Mike McCracken?
Sgt. Billy York: Mike...
(Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again, then makes to leave again)
Mr. Jigsaw: (turns back again) Is he on Alpine or Oak?
Sgt. Billy York: (thinking) Alpine.
(Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again)
Sgt. Billy York: Psst... Park on Third - you'll never find a spot on Alpine.
Mr. Jigsaw: (smiling) Thank you! You have been most co-operative!
Sgt. Billy York: (in pain) Don't mention it.
(Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again)
Mr. Jigsaw: (to the blind guy sitting by the door) Remember - you saw nothing!
Mr. Jigsaw: (holding a gun on York) In a little while, Miss York, you will be begging for mercy.
Sgt. Billy York: No, no, I'll beg now.
Sgt. Wes Luger: What's going on in here?
Mr. Jigsaw: Drop your gun Mr. Luger!
Wes Luger: I don't have one...
Mr. Jigsaw: (confused) You are not carrying a weapon?
Wes Luger: Don't believe in them.
Mr. Jigsaw: (slides a gun over) Pick up the gun.
Wes Luger: (picks up the gun)
Mr. Jigsaw: Drop the gun Mr. Luger!
Lt. Irv Lansing: My wife and I haven't had sex in over two years. I have a six month old daughter.
Sgt. Jack Colt: Nice weather? You think we're having... nice weather? I guess you didn't lose the only one that meant anything in your life. I guess you don't feel burned out by the human misery and despair perpetrated by the criminal vermin that infest every pore of this decaying city, forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheaper whiskey to dull the pain that shatters your heart, rips at your soul, and keeps your days forever gray. What flavor Ice you got today?
Sgt. Jack Colt: Claire and I rode together for seven years.
Sgt. Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.
Sgt. Jack Colt: Give me a name!
Beckard: Weren't your parents supposed to do that?
Captain Doyle: Don't be so fast to thank me on this, Luger, because you're going to be naked on this one. It's on the line for you. People are going to be watching. Now you blow it, you're going down. You screw up, you're going to be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you're going to be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants will be dancing with figs. Is that clear?
Sgt. Wes Luger: Everything except for the dancing with figs part!
Valet: [After being handed a large denomination bill] You got anything smaller?
Sgt. Wes Luger: Keep it.
Valet: Anything larger?
Sgt. Wes Luger: [Menacingly] Yeah, I do.
[Valet edges away]
Gen. Morters: Half the payment now. Half tomorrow. Half on delivery.
Sgt. Wes Luger: There's something between you and this General Morters.
Colt: He was my C.O. in NAM. CIA listed him as M.I.A. but the V.A. ID'd him and so we put out an APB.
Wes Luger: Oh, I see.
Sgt. Wes Luger: I don't think York was a suicide. She was on to something.
Captain Doyle: On something is more likely. You know as well as I that this guy's cookies were laced with cocaine.
Sgt. Wes Luger: No wonder I couldn't eat just one.
Wes Luger: We're investigating a felony, Miss Demeanor.
Becker: Do you sleep in the nude?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Only when I'm naked
Dr. Harrold Leacher: Quid pro quo Mr Colt.
Sgt. Jack Colt: What does that mean?
Dr. Harrold Leacher: It means I'm pretentious.
Sgt. Jack Colt: So what are you doing here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Waiting for you.
Sgt. Jack Colt: I mean, what brought you here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: A taxi.
Sgt. Jack Colt: Yeah, but why?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: My car's in the shop.
Sgt. Jack Colt: I mean... (Holds up a sign board) Why the hell did you come here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: The police station would have made me nervous.
Colt: You better go.
(Colt and Luger's car blows up)
Sgt. Jack Colt: Good thing we took valet.
Sgt. Wes Luger: Taxi!
[the taxi blows up]
Sgt. Jack Colt: I guess we're making somebody nervous. But I'll tell you this: It's gonna take a helluva lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off of this case.
Sgt. Wes Luger: Not a helluva lot more.
(Mr. Jigsaw is holding a gun to Sgt. Colt's head)
Sgt. Jack Colt: Who are you?
Mr. Jigsaw: I'm your worst nightmare.
Jack Colt: No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare.
Mr. Jigsaw: Okay, alright, so I'm not actually your worst nightmare. But I am right up there.
Gen. Morters: Where's the microfilm, Mike?
Mike McCracken: I don't know, I gave it to York. I thought she was one of your men.
Gen. Morters: Act in haste, repent in leisure.
Mike McCracken: But he who hesitates is lost.
Gen. Morters: Never judge a book by its cover.
Mike McCracken: What you see is what you get.
Gen. Morters: Loose lips, sink ships.
Mike McCracken: Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing or fighting, my friend.
[Gen. Morters, cornered, looks to Mr. Jigsaw]
Mike McCracken: [Mr. Jigsaw consults Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, shakes his head]
Gen. Morters: Sorry Mike, no good.
Becker: What? I don't know nothin'. I didn't see nothin'. I ain't say nothin'.
Sgt. Wes Luger: Nothing, the word is nothing, not nothin'. There's an i-n-g on the end of it. Nothing.
Becker: Ok, nothing. Nothiiing. Nothiiiiiiiiiiing. Ok, you happy?
Sgt. Wes Luger: That's better.
Sgt. Jack Colt: I gotta know... what *does* human flesh taste like?
Dr. Harrold Leacher: Chicken.
Man in helicopter: (after shooting up a trailer home which then blows up, a man then rises from the flaming wreakage) Is this 1014 Pacific coast Highway?
John McClane: HUH?
Man in helicopter: 1014 Pacific coast Highway?
John McClane: NO! NO THIS IS 814 PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY! 1014 IS TWO BLOCKS OVER THERE!
Man in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!
John McClane: (sarcastically) NO PROBLEM! NO PROBLEM!
Sgt. Billy York: [after being questioned about the microfilm] McCracken!
Mr. Jigsaw: Thank you, Ms York!
(Mr. Jigsaw shoots York and goes to leave)
Mr. Jigsaw: (turns back, confused) Is that Dan McCracken, or Mike McCracken?
Sgt. Billy York: Mike...
(Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again, then makes to leave again)
Mr. Jigsaw: (turns back again) Is he on Alpine or Oak?
Sgt. Billy York: (thinking) Alpine.
(Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again)
Sgt. Billy York: Psst... Park on Third - you'll never find a spot on Alpine.
Mr. Jigsaw: (smiling) Thank you! You have been most co-operative!
Sgt. Billy York: (in pain) Don't mention it.
(Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again)
Mr. Jigsaw: (to the blind guy sitting by the door) Remember - you saw nothing!
Mr. Jigsaw: (holding a gun on York) In a little while, Miss York, you will be begging for mercy.
Sgt. Billy York: No, no, I'll beg now.
Sgt. Wes Luger: What's going on in here?
Mr. Jigsaw: Drop your gun Mr. Luger!
Wes Luger: I don't have one...
Mr. Jigsaw: (confused) You are not carrying a weapon?
Wes Luger: Don't believe in them.
Mr. Jigsaw: (slides a gun over) Pick up the gun.
Wes Luger: (picks up the gun)
Mr. Jigsaw: Drop the gun Mr. Luger!
Lt. Irv Lansing: My wife and I haven't had sex in over two years. I have a six month old daughter.
Main cast
- Emilio Estevez - Sgt. Jack Colt
- Samuel L. Jackson - Sgt. Wes Luger
- Jon Lovitz - Becker
- Tim Curry - Mr. Jigsaw
- Kathy Ireland - Miss Destiny Demeanor
- Frank McRae - Captain Doyle
- William Shatner - General Curtis Mortars
- F. Murray Abraham - Dr. Harold Leacher