Chris Rock

Chris Rock is an African-American comedian.

Bring the Pain (HBO, 1996)

• Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

• A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!

• People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat … if you're one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!

• We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

• That shit wasn't about race … that shit was about fame. If O.J. wasn't famous, he'd be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer.

• I'm not saying he should have killed her, but I understand.

• There's a lot of racism going on who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people ,and there's 2 sides, there's black people and theres niggas. The niggas have got to go.You can't have shit when you around niggas, you can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning. Paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggas will break into your house. Niggas that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day and go, "I heard you got robbed." Nigga, you know you robbed me. You didn't see shit 'cause you was doing shit!You can't go see a movie, you know why? coz niggas is shooting at the screen, "This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in here!"You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!

• Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

• Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

• I hate niggas! I hate em! I'd join the Ku Klux Klan if they'd let me!

• You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

• A man is basically as faithful as his options.

• If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mommy "Pam", he's going to jail!

• You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders. … Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, "Damn, he must have did something." Niggas will say "you motherfucker, I'd kill you if I could afford it! I'm gonna get a second job, I'm gonna take a mortgage out on my house, and then you're a fucking dead man!

• And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

• Every time a man's being nice to you [women], he's offering you dick.

• It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

• The Trenchcoat Mafia! "No one would play with us! We had no friends, the trenchcoat mafia …" Hey, I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school. I don't got six friends now! Shit, that's three-on-three with a half court.

• Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy?

• A bunch of girls say, "You don't need no man to help you raise no child" … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don't mean it's to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea!

• If you said more words to him than "mommy'll be back", he might know something!

• That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

• Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

• Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

• Nothing more racist than a old black man, you know why? 'Cause the old black man went through some real racism. He ain't go through that "I can't get a cab" shit. He was the cab! White man just jump on his back: "Main Street!"

• Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.

• I'm watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin's bullets … no, they wasn't. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.

• I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

• At least they're trying to get rid of AIDS. Some diseases they just gave up on. Some diseases, if you get them, you're on your own. They ain't going to have no telethon for you. R Kelly ain't singing no song. You just got this shit.

• Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

• 'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right. Women are offered dick every day. Every woman in here … gets offered dick at least three times a week. Three times a day, shit! That's right, every time a man's being nice to you … all he's doing is offering dick. That's all it is. "Can I get that for you? – How about some dick?" "Could I help you with that? – Could I help you to some dick?" – "Do you need some dick?"

• I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

• I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up.

• My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"

• "Daddy, can we talk?" "Hey, I'm watching the game!" "I'll show you! I'll dance naked to the Mötley Crue records!...I'm gonna change my name to Cina Buns!...and I'm gonna wear clear heels!" When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big ho convention, and all the hoes got together and said: "We need something new! Something that just says nasty"...And one girl said: "I got it! Clear heels!" "Uh, girl, you're disgusting!"

• Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!"

• If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …

• You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the Sun is out, you got some problems!

• You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat the buffet? How the fuck could you eat on a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you THAT hungry? Motherfucker, go to Mickey D's or some shit! Not even Rwandan refugees won't eat that shit! At a damn strip club! Tities and Tater Tots don't mix!

• You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!.

• The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body: "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick!"

• I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.

• White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns"? Congressional hearing.

• Ed Bradley looked at Michael Jackson like he wanted to say, "Nigga, is you crazy?" Like he wanted to take the the 60 Minutes clock and push the shit forward to say, "Nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?" "I thought you said it was 60 minutes …" "It's 10 minutes, get outta here! You nutty nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
  • On Michael Jackson appearing on 60 Minutes

• Black people dominate sports in the United States. We're 10% of the population, we're 90% of the Final Four.

• Black people dominate this shit! Basketball, baseball, football, boxing, track! Even golf and tennis! And the minute they make a heated hockey rink, we're gonna take that shit too. Motherfuck Wayne Gretzky. Wait 'till you see LeBron on some skates. You ain't seen nothing yet! He just gonna have one skate, chilling. He won't even have a stick, he'll just smack the puck in with his dick. Pow! Slapshot, bitch!

• That tiger ain't go crazy; that tiger went tiger! You know when he was really crazy? When he was riding around on a unicycle with a Hitler helmet on!
  • Talking about circus tiger that attacked Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy

• A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

• Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

• [R Kelly]'s got a lot of balls. Talking about "it ain't me". Got a damn sex tape out; "it ain't me". Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That's you, okay? There's a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed.
  • On R Kelly

• What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? Well then they say, "well if you hire Jonnie Cochran, you're going to look guilty." Yeah, but you going home! You want to look innocent in jail? I'd rather look guilty at the mall.

• It's hard to defend "I've got hoes in different area codes". It's hard to defend "move, bitch, get out the way!" It's hard to break it down intellectually … Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, "move, bitch, get out the way". You need to open your eyes so you can see the bitches in *your* way!

• You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do … is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, "Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!"

• If you wanna get away with murder, shoot him in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket!

• You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

• A lot of white people like to scream they're American as if they've got something to do with the country being the way it is … like they was on the Mayflower or some shit.

• All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

• Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. "I'm conservative", "I'm liberal", "I'm conservative". Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!

• Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

• You know, the beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is the absolute only issue that the President will answer. The President don't give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. "Mr President, what about the war, when's it gonna end?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and we're looking for stuff, and we might find it, we might not, and it's out there, we're gonna get it, you never know, how's it going, yeah!" "Mr President, what about the economy, when's it gonna pick up?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator, you know what I'm saying, all right!" "Mr President, what about gay marriage?" "Fuck them faggots!"

• You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.

• If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love. If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain't been in love. If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love. If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love. And the only thing that's stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: "Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass."

• Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, "Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy."

• Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … "fuck that bitch," "fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that." If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, "I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it." Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.

• But here's what they don't tell you. You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, and she'll still complain. "Why did you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn't you go to Tiffany's? You're so fucking cheap."

• "What's in the tea?" "Water, bitch!"

• Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

• Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.

• God will send you a double date with the perfect couple. Have you ever made the mistake of going on a double date with the perfect couple? You're in the middle of your bullshit relationship and you actually sit down with two people that are actually in love. You can't even eat your food cause you can't believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand like, "Oh shit! He's really listening to what she's got to say! Wow! They really like being around each other! Man, we can't hang with them no more, they gonna break us up. Can't let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life!"

• So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

• We can't have gay marriage 'cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the fuck outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how fucking sacred is that shit?

• Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Phillip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.

• So think about the poor slave who could read, but was scared to teach their kids to read for fear they would be killing their kids. Think about the poor slave that rode to town every week. Think about the poor slave who rode the buggy to town every week. Riding the buggy … riding the buggy, and he could read, and is riding the buggy and he's riding the buggy. And up ahead he sees a busy intersection, and is riding the buggy and he's riding the buggy. Then he sees a STOP sign … Now he's in a big dilemma. "If I go through this intersection, I'm a have a accident. If I stop, these crackers will kill me." And he's riding the buggy, and in the last minute he says "fuck it", goes through the intersection, has a big ol' accident. Almost kills somebody. Then the police come: "Nigga, what is wrong with you? Nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you? You could have killed somebody, nigga. Didn't see that stop sign?" "Oh, I don't know what you talking about." "You didn't see that stop sign, that stop sign back there?" "Oh, you mean that octagon thing." "Nigga, who taught you octagon?"

• It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!

• Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. Fuck you, motherfuck you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, "Where my check?"

• When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy." Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby." And that's how life is decided in America.

• The number one reason people hate America: the number one reason is because of our religion. Americans worship money, we worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from government, but on your money it says in God we trust. All my life I've been looking for God, and He's right in my pocket. Americans worship money, and we all go to the same church, the church of ATM. Everywhere you look there's a new branch popping up … remind you about how much money you got and how much money you don't got. And if you got less than twenty dollars, the machine won't even talk to you. The machine is like, "You better go see a teller." You ever go to a teller and try to take out eight dollars and fifty cents? Oh, it's disgusting … oh man, you gotta wait on that long ass line, people doing real transactions in front of you, you get on to the fucking front, you fill out your form, eight fifty. The fucking teller looks at it, she look at you, she looks at the check, she don't even take the money out of the drawer, she take it out of her pocket, "Here you go, get outta here." And here's something, man. Drugs are illegal, but ATM machines are open twenty-four hours a day. Twenty-four hours a day. For who? Who the fuck is it open for? Have you ever taken out three hundred dollars at four o'clock in the morning for something positive? Shit, when you press that machine at four o'clock in the morning, I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen and go, "Come on, man, save your money, man. Don't buy drugs, buy some rims. They spinning, nigga, they spinning, they spinning, nigga, they spinning." Americans worship money. Shit, you know why banks are closed on Sunday? 'Cause if they wasn't, church would be empty.

• Is it just me, or is Jermaine Jackson the greasiest nigga you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga! Please!"

• Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man. A good girlfriend too, it's like, "Yeah, I'll go shopping with her, but I ain't gonna leave that bitch alone with my man for five minutes, no." I remember one time, I was at a restaurant with me, my wife, and her girlfriend. And my wife gets up and goes, "Honey, I'm going to the bathroom." And I'm like, "All right, honey, I'll see you when you get back." And she goes, "No, you coming with me!" She made me come with her to the bathroom! And she did the right thing, 'cause I'd have fucked the girl; I'da fucked her. I'd have fucked her on a damn quesadilla, I didn't give a fuck.

• Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tommorow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

Kill the Messenger (2008)

• George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra...anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"

• [on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!

• [on John McCain being too old] When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

• [on John McCain being in a POW camp] I don't wanna vote for nobody who got captured, I wanna vote for the motherfucker that got away!

• [in South Africa] Barack Obama! A black man! With a black name! I know that ain't that black here, but in America that's about as black as a name could get. Barack Obama! That's right next to Dikembe Mutombo. That's right. Barack, man, he don't let his blackness sneak up on you. Y'know, if his name was Bob Jones or something, it might take you two or three weeks to realize he black. But as soon as you hear "Barack Obama"...you expect to see a brother with a spear! Just standin' on top of a dead lion! Barack Obama! You expect to see the bass player from the Commodores come out! [sings and mimes playing bass] "Too hot ta trot, now, baby, too hot ta trot, bay-by!" I'm not talkin' about Lionel Richie, I'm talkin' about them shiny niggas behind him!

• [about Obama] We're not just voting for him 'cause he's black, we're voting for him 'cause he's black and qualified. That's why we're voting for the motherfucker. Yeah. That's why we behind him. It's not like we're voting for Flavor Flav. "Yeeeeah, boooooy! Flavor Flaaaav!" Hey, I love Flavor. Lovin' him for 20 years. I love the "Flavor of Love" show; I think it's quite entertainin'. But Flavor Flav must be killed. In order for black people to truly reach the promised land, Flavor Flav has to be shot. These are important times! We got a black man runnin' for President! We don't need a nigger runnin' around with a fuckin' clock around his neck and a Viking hat on his head! "Not this year, Flav, put a suit on! Nigga, put a suit on!"

• Yo, it's gonna be hard for Barack Obama to be President, 'cause Barack Obama has to overcome a handicap that the other candidate does not have to overcome. That's right. It's gonna be hard for Barack Obama to be President because Barack Obama has...a black wife. And I don't think a black lady can be First Lady of the United States. Yeah, I said it. I said it in Johannesburg, I said it! [cuts to London] I said it in London, England, I said that shit! [cuts to New York] I said it at the Apollo Theatre, I said that shit! I don't believe a black woman could be First Lady, 'cause you know why? Because a black woman cannot play the background of a relationship! [some women boo] Don't get me wrong, a black woman could be President with no problem. First Lady--too much shuttin' up in that job. Can you imagine tellin' your black wife that you President? "Honey, I won, I'm President!" "No, we President! And I want my girlfriends in the cabinet! I want Kiki to be Secretary of Defense! She can fight, she can fight."

• George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don't give a fuck? Bush don't give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hangin' from a cliff, gettin' ready to fall to your death--that's right--and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks...he wouldn't give you one. "Hey, Bush, I need a fuck!" "Ohh, you know I don't give a fuck. Here's a fuck...psych!"

• I will give you an example of how race affects my life. I live in a place called Alpine, New Jersey. Live in Alpine, New Jersey, right? My house costs millions of dollars. [some whistles and cheers from the audience] Don't hate the player, hate the game. In my neighborhood, there are four black people. Hundreds of houses, four black people. Who are these black people? Well, there's me, Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z and Eddie Murphy. Only black people in the whole neighborhood. So let's break it down, let's break it down: me, I'm a decent comedian. I'm a'ight. [applause] Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man who lives next door to me does for a living? He's a fucking dentist! He ain't the best dentist in the world...he ain't going to the dental hall of fame...he don't get plaques for getting rid of plaque. He's just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist. See, the black man gotta fly to get to somethin' the white man can walk to.

• There's nothin' a white person could ever say to me that will ever catch me off-guard. Ever! I'm always lookin' for some racism! No matter where the fuck I'm at, I'm like "where the racism at? Where it at, where it at, where it at?" No matter where I'm at. I could be sittin' down with Regis Philbin, doin' an interview, talkin' about Madagascar 2, sayin' "yeah, Regis, Madagascar 2's real good, man. I play a zebra again! Oh, this motherfucker's great!" And right in the middle of the interview, Regis'll pull a pencil out of his pocket, stab me in the neck and say "take that, ya fuckin' nigger! Take that, ya dirty, greasy nigger! Take that, ya fuckin' nigger!" And I'd be like "I shoulda seen it comin'. I let Regis get too close." I'll be mad at me. I'll apologize--"hey, man, I left my neck all out, man. I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry."

• [on Isaiah Washington being fired] What if the person that he called a faggot...was acting like a faggot? You don't have to be gay to act like a faggot. You don't even have to be a man to act like a faggot. Anybody can act like a faggot. Let me give you an example: I love Gwen Stefani. I think No Doubt is one of the best groups in the world; I keep a No Doubt CD in my car and I sing that shit to the end. I'm like "don't speak, I know just what you're sayin', oh, please stop explainin'"...I won't even get out my car 'til the shit's over. I'm like "you know you're good, you know you're real good...la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, [high pitched] Don't! Don't!" I fuckin' love me some Gwen Stefani! Now, if I'm drivin' my car, and I'm at the light, and you in the car behind me, and the light's red, and I'm just sittin' there blasting some Gwen Stefani and I'm like "ain't no hollaback girl! Ain't no hollaback girl! Ain't no hollaback!" And you in the car behind me and the light's red--cool. But then the light turns green. And I don't see it, because I'm in Gwen Stefani heaven. And I'm just goin' "Ain't no hollaback girl! Ain't no hollaback girl! Ain't no hollaback!" Now the light starts fuckin' blinking! It's gettin' ready to turn red again, and I *still* don't see it, and I'm in my car going "This shit is bananas! B-na-na-na-nas! This shit is bananas! B-na-na-na-nas!" Now if you in the car behind me, and that light's gettin' ready to turn red, and I'm going "this shit is bananas! B-na-na-na-nas!" If you in the car behind me, you have the right to go "HEY, FAGGOT! The light's about to change!" Shit, even Elton John would call me a faggot at that moment. It's not the word, it's the context in which the word is bein' said!

• Shit, last year the NAACP had a funeral for the word "nigger"! Well, tonight is Easter!

• But the question remains the same: Can white people say "nigger"? And the answer's the same: not really. But wait a minute, there's one exception. There's one exception. There's one instance where white people can say nigger. And I'ma let it out tonight. I'ma let it out here in Johannesburg. The one time that white people can say nigger. White people are like "this is what I paid for! It's a fuckin' great night now!" The one time white people can say nigger: here it goes; listen closely. 'Cause I may never say this shit again. The one time white people can say nigger, OK: if it's Christmas Eve, and it's between 4:30 and 4:49 in the morning. If you white, and you're on your way to Toys 'R' Us to get your kid the last Transformer doll, and right before you walk into Toys 'R' Us, some black person runs up beside you, smacks you in the head with a brick, knocks you to the ground, stomps on your face--"take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker!" Riverdances on your head--"take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker!" Takes your money, pisses on you, and runs away--if you white, at that moment, you can say "Somebody stop that nigger!" Matter of fact, if you white and that happens to you, you can say nigger for a whole month! But you gotta walk around with the police report in your pocket. In case any black people catch you sayin' nigger, the police report will act as your freedom papers. "Hey, I heard you saying nigger; let me see your fuckin' papers. Gimme the papers; show me the papers!" [pretends to read a sheet] "Christmas Eve! 4:48! You just made it, motherfucker! Pissed on you! ...I hope they catch that nigger!"

• On Desperate Housewives: I think they should change the name of that show from Desperate Housewives...to Ungrateful Bitches!

Miscellaneous

• You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
  • In regards to fame^{http://www.craveonline.com/humor/articles/04647576/everybody_loves_chris.html}

• Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.

• Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

• Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple – Gwyneth Paltrow.
  • At the Academy Awards as host

• The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl."
  • At the Academy Awards as host

• Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!

• When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word "nigga", I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of "coon".

• You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
  • At the Academy Awards as host

• I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.
  • In an interview at Live Earth in London

• George Bush hates midgets.
  • At a concert supporting Katrina Relief, in reference to Kanye West's comment

• Yo, what's up! This is Chris Rock, and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everything in the motherfucking club! We got to church in the club! We never leave the motherfucking club! We pay our taxes in the club! We go to library in the club!
  • In Lil Jon's CD Crunk Juice: Track 15

• Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
  • From Everybody Hates Chris second season episode, "Everybody Hates Chris"

• They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.