Charmed

Piper:(About demon) Well,i have to thank him,then kill him.

Phoebe: You are holding me hostage!

Paige: Yep looks like it.

Phoebe: Look I am not a common goldfish. I cannot ignore the call of the sea!

Paige: Well the call of the common bathtub is just gonna have to do.

Piper:

Paige:

Open Phoebe's heart to Cole,

Reveal the secrets that it holds,

Bring forth the passion of love's fire,

That he may feel her true desire.

Piper: Okay...I've had enough. Your treatment of me is shocking.

Piper: Oh look out Phoebe, he's packing a seashell.

Paige:

Tide of evil, washed ashore,

Bring it's darkness ever more,

With all our strength we fight this fate,

Make this evil obliterate.

Piper: Shh! Pheobe's doing a news report in there!

Paige:In the bathroom?

Leo:Like the power of two and a half

Paige:Weve got to do something before she does something stupid like giving Nancy O'Dell a exclusive with Necktron

Pheobe:No,this is not happening. This goes way beyond stalking.

Piper: I dont want my baby to turn into a guinea pig

Piper: And besides, every other mother to be does not have to worry about her child orbing out to Tahiti when they are sent to their room.

Paige: You want my advice?

Piper: Not really.

Piper: This is a very special baby, with very special needs, and I need someone pretty damn special to help me figure it out. And when I say now, I mean now!

Grams: Piper!

Piper: Thank you.

Leo: Don't thank me, I didn't do anything.

Grams: What am I doing here? And corporeal to boot.

Piper: What do you mean, didn't you come on your own power?

Grams: Honey, I'm good, but I'm not that good!

Paige: Oh, my goodness, don't tell me you're already interviewing nannies.

Grams: Paige. You're even more beautiful than I imagined.

Paige: And you are?

Grams: Why, I'm your Grams of course. Come here.

Paige: No offense, but, uh, aren't you supposed to be dead?

Grams: Oh, I'm over that.

Paige: You expect me to believe that there are giant beanstalks and gingerbread houses that actually existed?

Piper:

Hear our call,

For those who fall,

Purge her to awaken,

From this toxic taken.

Phoebe: Dead? What do you mean she's dead?

Leo: Don't worry. The dwarves are all over it.

Phoebe: The dwarves?

Leo: Piper cast a spell that wound up summoning the descendents of the seven dwarves. Actually, they prefer to be called little people now.

Phoebe: Snow White and the Little People?

Head Dwarf: When's her prince getting here?

Piper: She doesn't have a prince.

Head Dwarf: No prince? So then who's going to kiss her?

Dwarf#1: I'll do it.

Dwarf#2: In your dreams Stinky. I'll do it.

Dwarf#1: I told you not to call me that.

Head Dwarf: People. A little professional decorum here please. Forgive them, it's been a while.

Phoebe: Cole, these boots may be made for walking, but they're never walking back to you,buddy.

Paige: Can someone please tell me how I got in a coffin?

Penny: You were dead, dear. But at least now we have something in common.

Cole:Keep your hands off my pumpkin.

Piper: Ah, back off Grams. I just saved your ass.

Phoebe: Death did us part, Cole. Just because you figured out a way to come back, doesn't mean that I didn't keep my end of the bargain.

Piper: Paige, I don't wanna chat. I got problems here. Geez, you're like my husband with boobs.

Paige: Oh my god, I can't believe he's doing the "look at at me I'm a good guy" routine on prime time. Phoebe must be thrilled.

Leo: I'm sure that it's just all this arguing that's got the baby upset.

Piper: Leo, the baby is an inch long. All this arguing is upsetting the mommy!

Phoebe: Woman to woman. Cole was the love of my life, and I'm finally learning to live my life without him. Calling him for a favor would open a can of worms that I've worked so hard to close.

Elise: Woman to woman. If you're still describing this guy as the love of your life, then the can is open, the worms are out, and you may as well use them to go fishing.

Piper: Okay, vanquish demon first, kill husband later.

Cole: What? I knocked.

Piper: Doors. People use doors.

Cole: Whoa, what was that?

Piper: Hey, how did you do that?

Leo: I don't know but I'm feeling really nauseous.

Piper: Oh, god, and I'm not. Wait, how, why... Why does he have my pregnancy symptoms?

Cole: Wait, w-wait, you're pregnant?

Piper: Well, I was. But, now I think Leo is.

Cole: Huh?

Leo: "Hey, are your boobs always this sore?

Piper gives a nervous smile.

Cole: "Wait a minute, I'm confused…"

Phoebe: "Cole, maybe you should leave."

Phoebe: Okay, here are your crackers, here's a pad and a pen, we need a summoning spell.

Leo: What, now I'm supposed to rhyme?

Phoebe: Yeah, no rest for the whiny.

Phoebe: Think what you what, I think my niece is a genius. She did what any good marriage consultant would've done.

Leo: A good marriage consultant would've swapped our powers?

Phoebe: No, she would've made you walk a mile in each other's shoes.

Leo: You know, you're a pretty good Whitelighter.

Piper: I learned from the best.

Leo: Hey I'm not nauseous anymore.

Piper: Hey I am! Wait, that's not good news…

Leo: What about your powers?

Piper: Very nice!

Cole: So, did you get my flowers?

Phoebe: Yeah. "Sorry I tried to strangle you." Probably not a card that the florist gets to write every day, huh?

Piper:Maybe the baby thought that fireworks were prettier than demon guts.

Paige: Abracadabra!

Phoebe: Nice job!

Piper: You did all that with abracadabra?

Paige: Nah, I used a spell. I just always wanted to say that

Leo: P3's still doing great.

Piper: Not as great as it used to be, thanks to me.

Leo: Well, Piper, you're having a baby. Your priorities have changed.

Piper: Yeah, well, haven't you heard? Women can have careers and babies now. It's been in all the papers.

Leo: Well, are those women trying to save the world from demons too?

Paige: Having sex.

Piper: Oh!

Paige: See this is why I don't want to talk to you about this, it's weird talking to a pregnant lady about sex anyway.

Piper: Well, Paige, how do you think I got pregnant.

Paige: Urgh, I don't want to know that either.

Paige: I think I'm so busy protecting this big ol' secret of ours I guess I can't really let my guard down. How'd you do it?

Piper: Marry an angel.

Piper: I'm pregnant, not terminal.

Ramus: Just because you're an angel doesn't mean you can't kick some ass now and again.

Paige: Well, maybe try a different yoga instructor.

Piper: It wasn't the instructor, it was all those women showing off their sonogram pictures. And it was just working on my last nerve. Like 'look it's Jasper's first photo and it's gonna go on the fridge in a magnetic frame that says Jasper's first photo!'

Leo: Okay, I thought prenatal yoga was supposed to help you relax.

Paige: I'm just a big, dumb, fat unemployed loser.

Piper: No, Paige, you're a big, fat, dumb, unemployed loser who saves the world.

Leo: Alright, you guys yell at her, I'm gonna go check with the Elders and see what they know.

Elise: Dear Phoebe, my career is on the fast track, I'm wildly popular and the money's pretty damn good. What should I do?

Phoebe: Stop whining.

Elise: Damn, you are good.

Paige: Uh gross, what are you guys watching? Is that some horror movie?

Piper: The Joys of Home Birthing. Strangely I'm not feeling the joy.

Piper: Wow pre-natal yoga this morning and now you wanna crash a stranger's funeral. You really do need friends.

Paige: You're mean.

Leo: Well, what happens when they check the security camera to find out why the sonogram machine blew up like it did with Phoebe's baby?

Piper: Phoebe's baby was a demon, ours is an angel for crying out loud.

Piper: So your new and improved premonitions are just a more vivid way of telling us we're screwed.

Piper: Hi! I am off to yoga and then to the salon for a manicure and pedicure. There's a cherry pie cooling on the counter and I will be on my cell.

Paige: Uh uh. Prenatal police lady. Put the mug down, step away from the coffee.

Piper: It's herbal tea. I'm on a natural high today.

Piper: Ah, Jinxed! I should have know this was going to happen. It's the story of my life, when everything is going great something will inevitably happen that will ruin it.

Paige: A little spider did all that to you?

Piper: Oh, you just wait, you will see.

Cole: Please, you've got to help me.

Piper: See?

Miles: Hey, how long were you married?

Phoebe: Not long, but we were together for two years. The beginning was great it's just the end was, uh...hell.

Miles: Yeah, I had the same experience with my ex.

Phoebe: Uh, no, pretty sure you didn't. Well you know 'cause you know every situation is so different.

Cole: I think somebody's trying to drive me crazy.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

Piper: Desperate demons call for desperate measures.

Paige: What is wrong with you? Is this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Piper? Make up your mind, lady.

Piper: We don't need to go looking for trouble. Trouble comes to find us anyway.

Leo: As your whitelighter, I would say go with your instincts.

Paige: Okay.

Leo: But as your brother-in-law, going up against your sisters is pure suicide.

Paige: Great. You really helped clarify this issue.

Paige: What does this Barbas do? What's his thing?

Piper: He brings really bad things to life.

Phoebe: Okay people, time to get over our fears right now!!

Piper: Easy for you to say. You're not facing killer spiders!

Phoebe: Neither are you.

Piper: Playing on an expectant mother's fears. That was a good one. But not that good.

Phoebe: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Paige: You're suffocating me.

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry.

Phoebe: Paige, orb the potion.

Paige: It's in a puddle.

Piper: You can do it, Prue did.

Barbas: Ay, there's the rub. You're no Prue, are you?

Piper: He works with numbers all day. You know how Phoebe is with math. They have absolutely nothing in common.

Leo: You're right. We- we should just vanquish him.

Piper: What is this?! A brothel?

Piper: Oh no, they're going upstairs! Should I stop them?

Paige: No, only if you want to make a total ass of yourself - but that's up to you.

Phoebe: Okay, something really freaky happened last night when I was with Miles.

Piper: You guys are already getting freaky?

Miles: You saved my life.

Phoebe: Oh, it was nothing.

Miles: It was my life.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Miles: I should be dead right now.

Phoebe: Yeh, but you're not. That's good.

Miles: You saved my life.

Phoebe: I think we've been over that part.

Miles: Did I thank you?

Piper: Look warlocks we can handle, demonic ex-husbands we cannot. You gotta get out of here before she sees you.

Miles: Your kisses kill me.

Phoebe: Right back at ya.

Piper: Too many spells and potions to remember, let alone defend against.

Phoebe: We're dead.

Piper: Again.

Paige: And again.

Piper: Honey?

Leo: Yeah?

Piper: Zip it.

Baccarra: And then there were none.

Phoebe: How long have you guys been standing there?

Paige: Long enough to know you've got some serious 80's dance moves!

Piper: Well...let's just say i had a little premonition of my own!

Piper: I gotta go home 'cos I gotta interview magical nannies tomorrow and I gotta prepare.

Phoebe: Magical nannies...you mean like Mary Poppins?

Leo: You're getting your first charge.

Paige: Are you serious?

Leo: Yeah, well the Elders aren't exactly known for their sense of humor.

Paige: That is so great. I am now Paige Matthews, whitelighter-witch... I'm a hyphenate.

Phoebe: Last night two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them.

Paige: That sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion

Phoebe: Not when the vigilate is tall, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand.

Piper: Well, that doens't mean it's Cole.

Phoebe: Did I forget to mention the scorch marks?

Piper: That means it's Cole!

Paige: If this is where I was supposed to find my charge, you might have told me not to wear my Jimmy Choos.

Sam: A little advice, you need to work up a cover. Didn't you read the whitelighter manual?

Paige: There's a manual?

Piper: Is that who I think it is?

Phoebe: Mom's whitelighter.

Piper: And Paige's father.

Paige: The Elders sent me to protect someone without telling me who he was.

Piper: I'd say that's a bit of an understatement.

Piper: You knew about this supernatural Jenny Jones reunion, didn't you?!

Phoebe: I want him dead. I want this over with. And if this doesn't work, we might not get a second chance.

Piper: Got it. Kill him. Dead.

Piper: Everything is so bright and cheery and RUFFLY.

Paige: Your pants stopped fitting you.

Piper: Well, I could have gone up a size or two. I don't have to resort to materity clothes. I just feel so-

Saleslady: Adorable! I think it's you.

Piper: Obviously, you don't know me very well. Look, do you have anything that will go with combat boots? Ya know, something for the mom-to-be who kicks some ass upon occasion? You know something in black. Or gray.

Saleslady: ... I'll go check.

Piper: Are you telling me she's going to evict somebody from their own body? That's rude!

Paige:

Scrying secrets come to me,

Drop again so I might see.

Cole: (makes guillotine appear) I can't wait to see how I survive this.

Cole: (Piper freezes guillotine) Oh, can't you at least let me not die in peace?

Jeric: Glad to see you're feeling so alive.

Isis: (as Phoebe) It's this body. I've never felt so much power before, passion, desire.

Jeric: Maybe I should leave you two alone.

Isis: (as Phoebe) No. Just because the witch is in me doesn't mean there's not enough room for you too.

Piper: So what? I'm unbreakable, dude.

Paige: Dude, I'm not.

Piper: I can't handle this right now.

Leo: What? I told you I was going to have to break a few rules.

Piper: No, no, no. You don't understand, this is the least of our problems. Which ought to give you and idea how bad our problems actually are!

Leo: Come on, it can't be that bad.

Piper: Unless I am mistaken, Cole has teamed up with Jerich and tricked me into getting Paige possessed and Phoebe mummified.

Piper: I'm not gonna leave my sisters in Egypt with two demonic perverts!

Piper: How can you be so evil?

Cole: It's a gift.

Piper:

Two warring souls not burn inside,

Where only one can reside,

I call upon the power of three,

To save her body and set Paige free.

Paige: We're just playing hookie.

Piper: Well Paige, you can't play hookie, cos see, you're unemployed.

Piper: What's the matter with your neck?

Paige: It's this cramp, I've had it for a couple of days now.

Piper: Well, why don't you get a massage?

Paige: Oh, yeah, I'll pencil that in. Right between vanquishing demons and training to be your midwife. (Piper holds up an ugly pale pink dress.) No.

Piper: Well, A, I don't need midwives because I'm delivering with a doctor not sisters. And B, you need to start taking care of yourself because you've actually been working harder than when you were working.

Paige: Yeah, well, someone has to pick up the slack, especially with hermit lady just laying around the house.

Piper: The hermit lady?

Paige: Yeah, Phoebe? Have you noticed she hasn't left the house in weeks.

Piper: What do you mean? She leaves the house every morning.

Paige: No, she leaves the house to go to work. I can understand wanting a break from guys, but come on already, she's gonna wear out the batteries.

Piper: Ah, Paige!

Paige: Hi Phoebe. We were just talking about you.

Piper: And your batteries.

Piper: I say we go back in there and pull her out by her hair!

Paige: No, no, we can't make a scene. We need a plan.

Piper: Ok, here it is. We go home...we vomit...

Paige: And?

Piper: That's all I got so far.

Paige: Leo, we saw Phoebe and Cole's tongues locked, hands groping all over each other.

Leo: Ok, didn't need the visual.

Piper: Okay, I like the sound of that. Sluttly and manipulative. That's better than evil any day.

Phoebe: Alright, don't call me sweetie. You can't hold a person prisoner and then call them sweetie.

Piper:

This witches power cannot fight,

The lure of evil's magic might,

Before misuse lands her in hell,

Remove the powers of Phoebe Halliwell.

Kaia: (as Phoebe) Knife in the panty drawer...my kind of girl!

Kaia: (as Phoebe) You don't deserve him.

Phoebe: How many times do I have to tell you I don't want him!

Paige: (after leaping into Leo and exploding him) Ha! Now THAT is a vanquish!

Leo: (reappears) Damn it, Paige! I would appreciate it if you didn't practise on me, I may be dead but it STILL HURTS!

Paige: I am sorry, Leo, but I think I came up with the perfect way to vanquish Cole! I kept thinking 'What is it that makes him so indestructible?' and then I thought 'It's his protection shield!' so I came up with a potion that makes me invisible long enough so I can get past it, say a spell and blow him up from the inside!

Leo: Firstly, congratulations, cool potion.

Paige: Thank you! (she curties)

Leo: Secondly, it will never work.

Phoebe: What about water birth, can we do that at home?

Eva: Yeah, we could rent a tub.

Piper: What am I, a dolphin? I'm not giving birth to fish!

Leo: Well, actually dolphins aren't fish, they're mammals.

Piper: Shut up!

Lazarus Demon: Go to hell.

Piper: I'm already there.

Paige: And you, you're not La Femme Nikita, you're a Charmed One. Yeah, you don't mind kicking ass when you have to, but otherwise you'd rather be hanging out with your sisters, baking cookies, or knitting booties.

Piper: Knitting booties? Clearly you don't know me at all.

Piper: So you say the club is still successful in this... 'alleged' other reality of yours?

Paige: It's not alleged, it's real. And it's... really good.

Piper: Oh yeah, am I a millionaire?

Paige: (smiles a bit) No, not that good.

Piper: Well, how pregnant am I, exactly?

Paige: Phoebe and I are practising to be your midwives as we speak. We're preparing for the big home birth!

Piper: Home birth, you're nuts, I'd never agree to that, I - I wouldn't give birth unless it was in a hospital-!

Paige: Yeah, yeah, you keep saying the same thing in any reality. Hey, who else but a sister would know that?

Piper: (looking tearful] We must be pretty close then, the three of us.

Paige: (she nods, also fighting back tears)

Piper: Like Phoebe and I were with Prue...

Paige: Yep, close enough to have avenged Prue's death together.

Piper: Did you guys try to vanquish Belthazor ever?

Paige: No, but you and Prue almost tried! You guys had a vanquishing potion, right?

Piper: How do you know that...?

Paige: Book of Shadows. Also says that it needs a piece of his flesh to make it work.

Leo: That's right, it did.

Piper: (she looks at him, then at Paige) All right then. (takes out a dagger) Let's go hunting.

Phoebe: (infuriated) Are you KIDDING me? What did you do that for?!

Cole: What'd I do what for? You're in here screwing some guy, I'm supposed to ignore it? You're my WIFE, God damn it!

Phoebe: Oh, you have got to be kidding me, after all this time now you're playing the aggrieved husband?!

Cole: (flings the contents of her vanity table on the floor) You DON'T UNDERSTAND! IT'S ALL WRONG! It's not the way it's meant to be here!

Phoebe: Okay, it's okay, relax...

Cole: (almost in hysterics) This is all messed up! How'd it get messed up? You have no idea what I've given up for you!

Phoebe: (she gapes at him) Wh-what about what I've given up, Cole? I've given up my family, my heritage, my life!

Cole: Oh yeah, from where I'm standing, it looks like you have a pretty damn good life to me!

Phoebe: (strides forward and looks him straight in the eye) Look, the only one getting anything out of this is you. And I have no idea what that is. The only reason I'm still here is to make sure that what happened to Prue does not happen to Piper, and you know it!

Cole: (despairing) What happened to us, Phoebe? How'd we get here? We used to be so in love! Even without your sisters, it's not working... Why?

Phoebe: (regretful) I don't know... Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. (she walks out, leaving him alone)

Cole: (stares as Piper appears) What are you doing here?

Piper: Saving my sister. (she blasts Cole into the wall)

Cole: (looking up from the floor, he sees Paige standing there) You!

Paige: Surprise! (she runs forward and slices a piece of skin from his hand with Piper's dagger)

Cole: GO! Go get her sisters, they just attacked me!

Demon: Sisters? You mean there's another?!

Cole: Yes, damn it! Get 'em and kill 'em on sight!

Phoebe: Paige was telling the truth...?

Cole: I didn't go through all this to lose you, Phoebe. If I'm going down, you're going down with me!

Paige: Anything?

Piper: No.

Paige: 'Kay. Come on!

Phoebe: (running down the stairs) What are you guys doing here? You have to leave, now!

Piper: Where's Cole?

Cole: (surprising them) Right here. (he lobs a fireball, sending them crashing against the wall)

Phoebe: No! (she kneels by them while Cole summons his vanquishing potion) What did you do to them?!

Cole: Exactly what they were gonna do to me. (he and Paige glare at each other)

Paige: (taking Piper's wrist) She's still alive, grab her hand!

Phoebe: (bewildered) What?

Cole: I don't know how you got here, Paige, but if it's any consolation, I know exactly where I'm gonna bury you. Right next to yourself.

Paige: (she glares at him and then looks at Phoebe) Grab her hand!

Phoebe: (standing up) The Power of Three.

Paige: (also standing That's us. Potion! (her powers activated, the potion orbs from Cole's hand to hers)

Paige: I'm telling you he's gone. For good.

Phoebe: Yeah, that's what we thought last time.

Piper: And the time before that.

Paige: Cole's not coming back ...ever.

Piper: Alright, Sally, go meet Harry.

Phoebe:

Free us of the ties that bind,

Of evil magic intertwined,

We call upon the one who cures,

He who's to the Dark inured.

Witchdoctor: Now where's the evil?

Piper: Oh, here, there, everywhere.

Witchdoctor: Ever vanquished a demon in this house?

Phoebe: Oh, only about a hundred.

Piper: Give or take..

Phoebe: Another hundred.

Glen: Hurt, why? Wait, you thought you and I...

Paige: No! no. I didn't think that at all

Jessica: Glen, the minister's waiting

Glen: You okay?

Paige: I'm fine. Jessica, I wanted to apologise for not being very friendly earlier, I really am sorry.

Jessica: Thankyou, thanks for saying that.

Paige: I just don't understand what Glen's doing with such a blonde bimbette!

Jessica & Glen: What?!

Paige: And really, who's the surgeon who does those boobs, because they are fantastic, I should get the number for a friend of mine.

Glen: Paige, what the hell is wrong with you?

Paige: Me? Well nothing's wrong with me, I'm not the one marrying the wrong woman!

Spencer Ricks: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen baby. Oh wait, that's a woman's place, isn't it? So then you wouldn't have anywhere to go, would you?

Phoebe: You know what? You are a turkey. And turkeys don't write columns. (She turns him into a turkey) But they do make delicious dinners.

Phoebe: A little help here.

Piper: What are you doing with that thing?

Phoebe: Well, first I'm going to kill it and then I'm going to stuff it.

Piper: You are not bringing that filthy thing in the house.

Phoebe: Oh, yes I am. Thanksgiving is early this year.

Paige: Listen, Piper, you can't just vanquish an entire house. Especially not our house! People are gonna notice.

Piper: Yeah, actually. Take her to the attic and keep her away from that turkey.

Phoebe: Yeah, take me to the turkey.

Paige: Talk about premature jubilation. You guys really ought to talk to a doctor about that.

Paige: Now that you mention it, I have seen my share of a certain finger while I was driving over here.

Paige: Besides, everybody is odd in San Francisco. That's why we fit in so well!

Piper: Why would a demon be interested in killing people's dreams? I mean, they're just harmless erotic fun.

Paige: Did you say erotic?

Piper: (loudly) Exotic! I said exotic!

Dream-clown: Who's the clown?

Phoebe: Who's the fox?

Dream-guy: I'm Piper's dream lover.

Piper: Oh! Oh no! Listen we've never slept together in the dream, world, place...

Leo: It doesn't take a shrink to figure out Piper's dreams. You wanna screw somebody else.

Piper: Well at least he makes me feel sexy and not like some walking incubator. Although I guess that's what you've been dreaming about.

Leo:What about me!

Piper: Honey, we've got our own dreams to deal with, and the tracer. We'll deal with your Mr. Mom issues later.

Phoebe: I thought you said you tied them up.

Paige: I did, but the little flockers got loose.

Phoebe: Okay, Paige, while unicorns may be very magical and cool, I'm not so sure it's appropriate for a baby. Have you seen those hooves? And how are we gonna baby proof that horn?

Pheobe:You take the magical farm animals and put them in the basement

Paige:Your Spanish...Ondilay

Piper:...Here Unicorn...

Phoebe:

Take this beast,

Before I end her,

Ship her back,

Return to sender.

Stanley: My name will haunt you to your grave!

Phoebe: What was his name again?

Paige: I don't remember.

Paige: Mmmm! Come on dead guy!

Cronyn: I hate good magic...fairy tales, wishes on stars, and children who believe in Santa Claus. Mortals don't know it exists, but magic infuses all their hopes and dreams.

Paige: Stand back. I think he's gonna break out in song.

Cronyn: Magic must be saved. And it's up to us.

Paige: Us? We're us. You're them. We don't help thems. Sorry.

Cronyn: My cell phone's on the back in case your sister changes her mind.

Phoebe: Cronyn, huh? Since when do sorcerers have cell phones?

Cronyn: You think that's bad? I've got a taxi waiting out front. Call me.

Phoebe: Yeah, but I kinda liked his whole 'world without magic' speech. Very Capra.

Paige: It was pure Crapa.

Doris: Oh, girls, I just wanted to let you know how I feel about your father. I.. I just feel so, so lucky. He's the most special man I've ever met.

Piper: Thank you.

Phoebe: That's the sweetest thing you could ever say to us.

Doris: Well it's true, you know. He's so.. he's so kind and he's so sensitive and.. oh, he's the most exciting lover. I mean, girlfriends, he can go all night!

Paige: These were mine, and now will be yours. Chain-mail top, from my club days. Steel-toed boots, from my mosh pit days. Handcuffs, from last Friday.

Leo: Okay, well it's really nothing to worry about. Magic has disappeared from the world and Phoebe and Paige went to have a summit meeting with evil so they could fix it. See, nothing to worry about.

Phoebe: Step aside, bitch.

Paige: Yeah, that's our job.

Piper:Phoebe, if you love me, you will send this crazy bastard straight to hell!

Phoebe:

Beast of legend, myth and lore,

Give my words the power to soar,

And kill this evil evermore.

Paige: Is that what I think it is?

Phoebe: Uh, if you're referring to Mr. Winky, between the legs, yes.

Leo:wa what'd i miss?

Piper:A LOT!

Piper:They knew about the forcefield.They almost blew him outta the window.

Pheobe:Can't they have maternity leaves for new aunties??

Piper:Hey! Hes just a baby! He's small and little and...

Piper: I'm still having trouble letting go of the name we settled on.

Phoebe: Yeah well, Prudence Melinda might get him in trouble at school.

Paige: I'm thinking that's probably true, although he could just zap them onto a roof like Harry Potter would or something.

Piper: After seeing what the kid can do inside the womb, he's no Muggle.

Phoebe: Hey, what about Potter? Potter Halliwell? Or is it Wyatt?

Leo: No, it's definitely Halliwell. Demons fear it, good magic respects it, and I want what's best for him. That's why I'm going to say no to Potter.

Piper: The demons saw the forcefield, they're gonna try and find a way around it.

Paige: Well unless they can get up to Elderland, he's gonna be fine.

Piper: Magical goods? My baby is a magical good? That is just sick and twisted.

Leo: How'd it go with the new boss?

Phoebe: Oh, Jason Dean? I want to bear his children, but that's besides the point.

Piper: Even if he can handle the demons, he must sense the tension, which means at the very best we end up with a neurotic infant.

Leo: Look on the bright side... growing up with your sisters, he was bound to be neurotic anyway.

Piper: I don't have the luxury of being careful now that half of Demonville is after our child.

Piper: It's just so hard to leave. It's so hard to make Phoebe leave.

Phoebe: Oh...I could just eat your little face...

Piper: Phoeb? After the parasites that did actually kinda want to eat him...not so cute.

Phoebe: Gotcha! Oooh, I could smush you! Oooh, I could just smush your little face!

Piper: Much better.

Paige: Is that his new name? Smush Face Halliwell?

Leo: 'S about as good as everything else we've come up with.

Phoebe: No new ideas, huh?

Piper: Actually-

Leo: No, we've been so busy with the alarm and the demon fighting and the sister saving. (he looks at Paige)

Paige: Sorry...

Piper: Oh, don't be sorry, Paige, you were brave! And you inspired me to fight and you made the world a safer place for our baby... which is why I would like to give the baby the middle name of Matthew, in honor of his super-protective Aunt Paige.

Phoebe: I think that's a great idea.

Piper: (looks at Leo) What do you think?

Leo: (he smiles) Yeah.

Paige: (touched) Thanks.

Piper: And I also have an idea for his first name! Wyatt, in honor of his very protective daddy.

Leo: (stunned but happy) Really? (Piper nods) It doesn't begin with a 'P'...

Piper: Well, so we break with tradition.

Phoebe: My date is a demon!

Piper: Huh? What? That guy? But he's so hot.

Phoebe: Yeah. Hot as in flames of hell hot. Look, I had a premonition. He devours his victims. I'm next. Freeze the room.

Piper: Uhh! My sister, the demon magnet.

Piper: I have to get back to going bankrupt. Actually, scratch that. I have to get back to fighting with my husband.

Piper: Freaking ever useless Elders!

Piper: Okay, look, I can schedule in five minutes for a sisterly chat, but then I gotta go.

Phoebe: I cannot schedule in sisterly chat.

Piper: I'm telling you. You got 4 minutes and 55 seconds.

Paige: My sweater shrunk.

Piper: Ah, come on, you've worn tighter things than that.

Piper: Hello, have you forgotten about the big-boob fiasco??

Paige: No, my back still hurts.

Paige:

Finances have run amok,

Creditors I soon must duck,

I cast this spell to find good luck,

And hope my life will cease to suck.

Seamus: What is this, a coven or a day-care center?!

Neil Giraldo: Hey, how ya been Seamus? It's been a long time.

Seamus: Don't even try it Neil, I already hit you with my best shot, that's all you get.

Phoebe: No, actually...nothing happened.

Seamus: What? That's impossible. Did you take any risks? Get lucky with that fella?

Piper: What 'fella'?

Phoebe: I think he's talking about Jason. And no! I did not get luck with Jason... Not that I'd want to anyway...

Seamus: Hmm... So the burned child dreads the fire, eh?

Phoebe: My bruises have bruises.

Saleel: The Charmed Ones. It's about time you got here

Phoebe: Yeah, well, we had to make a little pit stop somewhere over the rainbow.

Paige (while trying to hand the red-haired leprechaun Seamus's staff) Here. I think, this belongs to you.

Red-Haired Leprechaun: Actually, darlin', I think Seamus wants you to keep this. For all you done for us, for savin' our kind.

Paige: Aw, you guys kinda did that yourselves. It was your luck, after all.

Red-Haired Leprechaun: Ha hay, but it was your fighting spirit that sparked it. The same spirit Seamus had.

Paige: I wish I could, accept that, compliment, but… I was just looking to be reimbursed, to tell you the truth. I felt like… magic owed me.

Red-Haired Leprechaun: And you still feel that way?

Paige: No. I don't.

Red-Haired Leprechaun: Doesn't matter what brings a person; only what they leave with.

Phoebe: She was engaged to a warlock.

Paige: Dan was a warlock?

Phoebe: Oh no, before Dan. Way before Dan. Two bankers, a rock climber and a ghost before Dan. And actually the ghost was the best of the bunch.

Paige: See, now that's what I call critical sisterly information. How am I meant to be petty and judgemental without all the info.

Leo: Piper, what are you doing? You can't freeze the shrink, we're on the clock!!

Piper:

Let the truth be told,

Let our lives unfold,

So we can relive our memories,

And stop being enemies.

Phoebe: I was under a spell. Evil

Paige: Evil? You were blonde!

Phoebe: Wait a minute. You just said something.

Paige: I did? Was it smart?

Leo: I work, she says I'm never around. I quit my job, she says I'm around too much.

Piper: We did learn that we have some issues to work on. Like somebody need to get a life first.

Leo: And one of us needs to be wife first.

Phoebe: Oh, easy on the rhyming.

Piper: Are you sure I can't get you anything? Coffee? Tea? A saucer of milk?

Phoebe: Very funny.

Katrina/Kit: No, I'm fine. Although, I wouldn't mind some kibble. If you've got any.

Piper: That's not funny.

Piper: Yeah, by the way, what was with the scratching of my bedpost? What was that?

Katrina/Kit: I had to keep my nails sharp.

Piper: Yeah, see, that's just very creepy.

Phoebe: I did something really bad! I slept with my boss!

Piper: Jason!?

Phoebe: No Elise...yes of course Jason!

Piper: You color-coded the Book of Shadows?

Paige: Uh huh.

Piper: We need Phoebe!

Phoebe: Hello?

Piper: Ask and you shall receive!

Paige: Vanquishing demons is not a sport, Piper.

Piper: It is if you're good at it!

Jason: Isn't that your sister?

Phoebe: Yeah...Paige!

Jason: She's one of the Godiva girls?!

Phoebe: Well thanks to me, my paper's going to get an exclusive on her because I slept with Jason!

Piper: Oh good, so this is all your fault then?

Phoebe: Uh huh.

Piper: Perfect.

Phoebe: Are we back to blaming you again?

Piper: Yep.

Phoebe: Just checking.

Paige:

Changing seasons, changes all,

Life renews as creation calls,

Piper:

Nothing is immune, everything transmutes,

So take this demon and give him roots.

Piper: He is so innocent. If only he had any idea what Mommy and Auntie Paige did today.

Leo: They turned a very bad man into a very big tree.

Leo: Rock on.

Piper: Don't do that.

Leo: Rock on.

Piper: Give it up man.

Piper: I'm telling you, it's not gonna fit. Nothing fits anymore and if he keeps growing at this rate, we're gonna have to send him off to college by next week

Phoebe: Oh my god! Piper, you're blind!

Piper: Yeah, Phoebe, I just said that, now could we talk about how a monkey could do that.

Phoebe: What did she say?

Piper: What did who say? The monkey? The monkey didn't say anything, he covered my eyes and stole my eyesight.

Phoebe: I think the monkey stole your eyesight when he covered your eyes.

Piper: Ugh, Phoebe, are you listening to me? That's just what I said.. ugh, you are acting like you can't even hear me.

Phoebe: Oh Piper its no use, I can't even hear you.

Piper: Alright, speak and spell.

Phoebe: You killed Aunt Pearl's couch.

Phoebe: Ooh, you're an angry monkey. Ooh, you're pissed! You're...PMS monkey?

Piper: What about Leo?

Phoebe: Oh no, did I kill the hag too soon?

Piper: Oh, if she hurt him, you know, I'm going to have to revive her and kill her again.

Piper: Everything okay?

Paige: Better than okay. I am gonna have a love life.

Phoebe: You're making a love potion?

Paige: No, I'm making a stun potion.

Piper: So that lovers will be stunned by you?

Paige: No, so that Kazis will be stunned by me.

Phoebe: You're in love with a Kazi demon'?

Paige(Sighing exasperatedly): Stay with me people.

[Paige points to her ear.]

Phoebe: You hear something?

[Paige nods and makes a talking motion with her hand.]

Phoebe: You hear puppets?

Phoebe: Your grandmother is just going to eat you up when she meets you. But no spitting up. And none of that toxic poop you do sometimes. Grams hasn't been around babies since she was alive.

Piper: Grams... meet the next generation of Halliwells. (she gives Grams the baby) Baby Wyatt!

Grams: Wyatt? (she laughs) That's a silly name for a girl, isn't it?

Phoebe: Grams! It's a boy! (her grandmother stares at her) Look at the outfit!

Paige: (in disbelief) You didn't know?

Grams: Well, no, I - I just assumed it was a... what went wrong?

Leo: (offended) Wrong?

Grams: (backtracking) Oh well, I don't mean 'wrong' wrong, it's just that we've... (staring at Wyatt with some mistrust) always had... girls.

Piper: (determinedly upbeat) And now we have a boy!

Grams: Now they'd be better off with a dog. More loyal and they die sooner.

Leo: Excuse me?

Grams: Oh... (chuckles) Don't mind me. You know, I never have very much luck with men.

Leo: But you've been married four times.

Grams: Exactly.

Leo: (talking to Wyatt as Piper and Grams go upstairs) Now you know why we don't summon her more often... yeah.

Nate: I always sorta thought this stuff was real, you know, I just didn't really know it was really real. Oh my God, my wife is going to love this!

Paige: Excuse me?

Nate: Did I just say wife?

Paige: You're married? You never told me you were married.

Nate: I didn't tell you that I had children either, but...

Grams: And, you know, men are just so...

Paige: Evil! That's what they are. They are just plain evil.

Piper: Oh. I take it Nate wasn't too happy about you being a witch.

Paige: Oh, Nate was fine with my being a witch. It's maybe his wife that would have had a problem.

Piper: He's married?

Paige: Yeah. With two kids.

Piper: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Grams: I told you she should have gotten a dog.

Necromancer: Penny!

Piper: Penny?

Phoebe: What's going on here?

Piper: Your grandmother hates your nephew. That's what's going on here.

Grams: That's not what I said.

Piper: Oh, she only said that she hates men!

Piper: Grams was alive when she banished the Necromancer, right?

Phoebe: Right.

Piper: Okay, well, now she's dead!

Paige: You sound so happy about that.

Grams:

I call forth from space and time,

Matriarchs from the Halliwell line,

Mothers, daughters, sisters, friends,

Our families spirit without end,

To gather now in this sacred place,

And help us bring this child to grace.

Phoebe: Well my boyfriend moved to Hong Kong, I'm thoroughly depressed, but I still managed to sign up six people. and you have?

Paige: I have none people.

Phoebe: Hmm. None people.

Phoebe: You and Leo are back in the saddle?

Piper: So to speak..

Phoebe: Yay you! God I miss sex!

Piper: I'd rather just snipe later than be honest and open about my feelings now.

Phoebe: I'm all over him.. it! I mean it.

Paige: Did you get anything?

Phoebe: Yeah, frost bite.

Piper: Friend or foe?

Phoebe: Not so sure yet.

Chris: What do you mean? I saved Paige, didn't I?

Phoebe: Oh, you call that saving, do you?

Phoebe: Ooh check out the size of that Oracle's...ball.

Piper: I'm going to go see what Future Boy is up to.

Piper: What are you doing?

Chris: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to find a way to free stone cold Paige over here.

Paige: Power? Power's good. I like power. Why do I like power?

Chris: Because you are the Goddess of War.

Paige: Ahh. Well, I guess that explains the pitch fork.

Chris: It's not a pitch fork, it's a trident. Be careful, that's a formidable weapon.

Paige: Right on. Who wants to fight?

Phoebe: I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Chris: You're the Goddess of Love.

Piper: Naturally. Well, then that must make me the Goddess of Sanity because I find this ridiculous!

Phoebe: Paige, make love not.. you know. There's no door love can't open, no wall love can't climb, no hurdle love can't... hurdle.

Chris: What the hell is this? Goddesses gone wild?

Paige: Reason and judgement are the qualities of a leader. Tacitus 100 AD.

Phoebe: Love will keep us together. Captain and Tennille. 1970s.

Cronus: Who are you?

Paige: The Supremes.

Phoebe: Oh my, my, my! Aren't you just the edible elder? Have you taken a vow of celibacy?

Phoebe: One more question...what are you wearing underneath that robe?

Roland: More robes.

Piper: Don't you jingle me, mister!

Phoebe: Or how about "I'm going to go check with the Elders". Do you really think he checks with the Elders?

Paige: No. He probably orbs to a sports bar and buys his buddies a round of drinks. "Yeah, my wife thinks I'm up there. Here's to the Elders".

Chris: Don't worry, one day you'll learn to trust me...they all will.

Leo: You need to channel your hearth and home instincts to fight the Titans.

Piper: I was speaking from the heart not the hearth.

Leo: You're not the ancient greeks, you're the charmed ones. I didn't give you anything you can't handle. Phoebe, you lost yourself to the darkest love that ever existed, and you came back. Of course you can handle being the Goddess of Love.

Phoebe: I never thought of it that way.

Leo: Paige, you're the Goddess of War because you've been consumed with gaining power but you've never let the power consume you. And Piper, is it any wonder that I made you the Goddess of Earth? You are everything that is good and beautiful in this world, the mother of my son.

Piper: You really have that much faith in us?

Leo: You really need to ask that?

Piper: It's not nice to piss off Mother Nature.

Phoebe: Thank God!

Piper: You're welcome.

Piper: I can't just give up. I don't know how.

Piper: You asked me to marry you and I said yes. You wanted a family and I gave you a son. And now you want me to just watch you walk away?

Phoebe: All right, all right. What do you want advice on?

Chad: See, there's this woman that I like, and I'd like to ask her out. But I'm afraid she'll say no. What should I do?

Phoebe: Well, why don't you just ask me and find out?

Paige: I'm a dog-walker. The temp agency messed up.

Phoebe:

From other worlds far and near,

Let's get him the Trok out of here.

Paige: What kind of whitelighter can't heal?

Chris: For the record, you can't heal either.

Paige: I'm half whitelighter. How come you didn't tell us about this before we hired you?

Chris: Because you didn't hire me. I was assigned by the elders.

Phoebe: Any other little surprises you'd like to share with us?

Chris: No. Look, I haven't been a whitelighter very long, okay? And healing, it's big. And takes a while to learn how to do.

Phoebe: Great, student-lighter.

Paige:

Powers and emotions tied,

A witch's heart is where it hides,

Help her through her agony,

Bless her with her memory.

Phoebe: Oh, Piper, hi! You're never gonna believe this. I think I have a new power. It would certainly explain a lot of my weird behaviour lately, like why I wanted to date Chad and why my advice has been so amazingly accurate. I know, this is huge, right? Huge. So what's my new power you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Do you remember that empath we helped a couple of years ago? That guy that could feel what other people were feeling?

Chris: Uh, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Just a sec. I think that's what I am now. An empath. I am an empath. That's my new power. Or at least an advancement of my premonition power, I don't know.

Chris: Neither does she, I'm afraid. Know, that is, anything. Paige erased her memory.

Piper: Can you blow things up too?

Paige: Well that little magical whammy you performed on her kind of, um, backfired.

Phoebe: You see, after you left, Piper was really...

Paige: Chipper. Yeah, incessantly, increasingly, annoyingly chipper.

Phoebe: What she said.

Leo: Well, it was supposed to make her feel less pain. I guess with me not around to pull it back a little bit, she got happier and happier?

Paige: Um, no, psychotically chipper.

Leo: Paige...

Phoebe: Let her go. It might seem silly to you, but it's important to her, I know.

Chris: See? It helps to be an empath.

Phoebe: No, it helps to be a sister.

Biker: Hell's bells. What have we got here? What, is there a Xena convention in town or something?

Kara: On your knees.

Biker: Excuse me? I got a better idea. How bout you get on your knees instead.

Kara: Who are you to speak to us that way?

Freyja: Kara.

Kara: You don't command us, we command you.

Piper: This isn't Valhalla. You don't have dominion over men here.

Freyja: Then how do you train them? How do they take orders?

Piper: They don't.

[Lots of dogs are barking.]

Paige: What is going on here?

Oscar: Badass fight, that's what.

Paige: Who said that?

Oscar: Oh, wait, you mean you can hear me? Well, hallelujah. It's about time.

Paige: Please don't tell me you're talking to me.

Oscar: Are you kidding? I've been trying to get your attention for two days now. I'm in serious trouble here.

Paige: Okay. It's okay, Paige. You've dealt with weirder stuff than this. Maybe-maybe my powers are just advancing. Maybe I can understand animals now.

Oscar: Oh, please, give me a break. Until you accepted that there might be a reason you got this job, you weren't going to be open to helping me.

...

Paige:

I call upon the Halliwells.

I call our powers to undo this spell.

Make right again, that we must.

Reverse the curse that made this mutt.

Phoebe: Okay, but you don't have to yell at me. 'Cause I can sense how mad you are.

Paige: Okay, just 'cause you can sense doesn't mean I can't vent.

Phoebe: Reverse the spell. Reverse the spell.

Paige: All right, uh.

Spell was cast,

Now make it pass.

Remove it now,

Don't ask me how.

Phoebe: I mean, just because I could feel some glimmer of Piper's feelings doesn't mean she can. She's completely cut off from them.

Chris: Wait, wait, wait, hold it. Isn't there a spell that allows somebody to feel what you feel? Which in this case would be Piper feeling what you're feeling Piper should be feeling... Did that make any sense?

Paige: Um, frightening, it did.

Paige: Well, then the question is how do we get close enough to her without her kicking our butts?

Phoebe: I could use my new power to counteract hers.

Chris: How do you figure?

Phoebe: Well, our powers are emotion-based, right? If I can channel Piper's feelings, why can't I channel her powers? And then use them against her.

Paige:

Open Piper's heart to reveal,

That part which only Phoebe feels.

Send it back from whence it came,

But don't protect her from the pain.

Leo: Chris, what are you doing sitting around here? Aren't you supposed to be getting to know your new charge?

Natalie: Oh, hi, Leo.

Chris: Okay, look, before you get mad, you're the one who wanted me to have a charge in the first place. Remember?

Leo: To protect her.

Natalie: Oh, he was using protection.

Chris: Yeah, I don't think that's what he meant.

Paige:

Moments lost make witches wonder.

Warlocks plot or demons plunder.

If this is not a prank.

Help us to fill in the blanks.

Piper: [to Wyatt] Okay, bud, here we go. Here we go, okay. Hey, lookie, how about this? [picks up a teddy] You like this guy? Hello. No? Pheebs, a little help here.

Phoebe: We hate that toy. It's yucky and crusty and gross.

Piper: Okay, then what does he want?

Phoebe: That. [points at the TV]

Piper: Yeah, see, I am a failure.

Paige: No, you're not. We just happen to have more pressing concerns right now than the media's influence.

[Phoebe and Paige orb onto KLMV News]

Kaneisha (Presenter): I don't know what's happening here, I--

Paige: Well, it's called magic, Kaneisha. Witchcraft, specifically. I really love your... jacket! [orbs the jacket to her]

Phoebe: Wanna see more magic? Let's check in with Piper at the Golden Gate Bridge. Take it away, Piper!

[Cut to a VT of Piper]

Piper:

Let the object of objection become but a dream

As I cause the scene to become unseen.

Phoebe: She's at her new temp job.

Chris: She's still on that kick?

Piper: It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic.

Chris: Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness on a temp job?

Nanny: Let me take the boy for a walk.

Piper: All right. Just don't forget a hat for those ears.

Nanny: I always keep the baby warm.

Piper: I meant yours.

Mitzy: We made the book of shadows? what, no picture?

Margo: Just a paragraph. A really, really tiny paragraph.

Mabel: "The Stillman Sisters: Mabel, Mitzy, Margo. Common witches known for their small-time hustles and cons. Not worth vanquishing. If they become a nuisance, try a simple spell to bind their magic."

Margo: Oh. Well, at least we got an entry.

Mitzy: Yeah, but look at what they think of us. Common witches, not worth vanquishing?

Mabel: Is that right? Well, check what these common witches just did. We're standing in the home of the Charmed Ones. We got their powers. We got their Book, and we got... blonde, multi-tonal hair. Who's the nuisance now?

Margo: We are.

Mitzy: Oh yeah!

Piper: Without picture ID's, we got no credit cards, we got nothing. It's like we don't exist.

Paige: Everyone in the world thinks we're these trashy blondes. I do have to hand it to them, though. They've taken identity theft to a whole new level.

Paige: Ah, don't worry, this blonde couldn't hit the broad side of a beauty parlour. I mean, check out that dye job!

[The Stilman sisters gasp]

Mabel: How dare you!

Phoebe: Trust me. The sooner you get back on the dating horse, the easier it will be.

Piper: No, I know. You're right, you're absolutely right. It's just, the truth is, I'm a little scared. I mean, I was married to an angel, for crying out loud. Who is gonna compare to that?

Phoebe: I know, but, Piper, you also dated a demon, a warlock and a ghost, you know. That's what you should be scared of.

Piper: Super pep talk, sis.

Phoebe:

Lead me back,

From whence this came,

Help me help my sister's pain.

Leo: How was your date?

Piper: Short.

Leo: Short? You mean like "leprechaun" short?

Piper: No, Leo, he wasn't short, the date was cut short by this.

Paige:

Unknown spirit, we call to thee,

Those who wish to set you free,

Cross on over so we may help,

Come to us, reveal yourself.

Paige: Well call me butter, 'cause I'm on a roll.

Phoebe: You've got me, Jason Dean. I'm yours. So no more wooing.

Jason: Okay, no more wooing. I guess I'll cancel out helicopter to Carmel for dinner.

Phoebe: No, no, no, maybe a little bit more wooing.

Phoebe: Yeah. If I had to guess, I would say it's a world of desire, but it's not my desire, it's your desire. I can feel how much you want all of this for me.

Jason: Yes, Phoebe, I want everything for you including sanity. If I die, promise me you'll see a doctor.

Phoebe: I have half a mind to call Jason and complain about it, but I don't wanna use our relationship for leverage.

Piper: What's the use of sleeping with your boss, then?

Phoebe: Becuase I actually enjoy sleeping with my boss.

Piper: Yeah, don't brag.

Zahn: Consider yourself repossessed.

Leo: Thanks for not listening to me.

Chris: Any time.

Piper: What the hell is going on?

Paige: Bitch later, vanquish now.

Paige: Okay, anyway, Book, Excalibur...?

Phoebe: Yeah, nothing. Nada.

Paige: Really?

Piper: Told you.

Paige: You know, hey, maybe it's been out of circulation since ye olden days, and maybe no Halliwell has ever come across it before.

Phoebe: Well, we have run across these guys, executioner demons, lower-level badasses for hire.

Piper: Who hired them?

Phoebe: This higher-level badass. [shows them the 'Dark Knight' page in the book]

Mordaunt: The sword has chosen. You are the new saviour. The champion of good, the master of Excalibur. Welcome to your new destiny.

Piper: Oh, crap.

Mordaunt: It's drawn to you, just like you're drawn to it.

Piper: Do I look like I'm drawn to it, pal?

Mordaunt: You will be in time.

Piper: No, I don't have time to play Queen Arthur.

Phoebe: Yeah, but I don't need divine help. I need filing and faxing and desk management help.

Paige: I'm your girl. I really am. We'll just, you know, see if the divine stuff kind of appears later. Usually does.

Phoebe: Yeah, but I can't tell you what to do. I mean, how weird is that?

Paige: Well, it's no weirder than usual.

Phoebe: Oh, I see.

Phoebe: I sort of told him that I loved him last night.

Piper: Oh, and this is bad?

Phoebe: No, except I said, "I love you too." As if he said "I love you" first, which he didn't.

Piper: So wait, you told him that he loves you before he told you that he loves you? Yeah, that's not good.

Paige:

Blessed with powers from my destiny,

I bless this hero with invincibility.

Phoebe: What about you, missy? Spill it!

Piper: Spill what?

Phoebe: Come on, you and Greg? Put out any fires lately?

Piper: Is that supposed to be a subtle fireman reference?

Paige: Wait a minute. You're going out with a fire-fighter?

Phoebe: Let's see, they've been seeing each other for about three weeks, and someone, I won't say who, although it's not the fireman, is avoiding taking it to the next step.

Piper: I'm not avoiding. I'm just a little reluctant, that's all.

Paige: My dear, it is time to get back in the saddle.

Piper: Now a cowboy reference.

Phoebe: That is one bitchy whitelighter.

Leo: What would you say if I told you whoever attacked Chris was called a Phoenix?

Paige: Well, I would say, "What's a Phoenix?" and then you'd probably tell me.

Chris:

I call upon the ancient power,

To help us in this darkest hour.

Let the book return to this place,

Claim refuge in it's rightful space.

Chris:

Hear these words, hear the rhyme,

Heed the hope within my mind.

Send me back to where I'll find,

What I wish, in place and time.

Woman: Wait, do you have to leave so soon? Can't I help?

Bianca: Yeah. Someday when I ask you what it feels like to kill, don't lie to me. Don't tell me you don't feel a thing.

Wyatt: Et Tu, Chris? Of all the people to betray me.

Chris: I didn't go back to betray you, Wyatt. I went back to save you.

Wyatt: Save me? From what?

Chris:From whatever evil it was that turned you.

Wyatt: That's always been your problem, Chris. Stuck in the old good versus evil morass. I'm so past that. It's all about power, it's as simple as that.

Chris: [To baby Wyatt] If I can't save you, I swear to god I'll stop you.

Bianca: Haven't we been here before?

Chris: Maybe we will be again

Bianca: Maybe

Bianca: You'll just have to hope the power of two will work, wont you Paige?

Grams: You and Paige moved out? When?

Phoebe: A few weeks ago. But we're handling everything.

Grams: Dear, you have Paige stuck in the past and a demonic blob roaming the manor. Exactly how are you handling things?

Grams: Men are like utensils; you use them, wash them, and throw them in a drawer until you need them.

Young Grams:

They have no right,

They have no power,

Turn their hate sticks into flowers.

Piper:

Come to me and be seduced,

I have a girl to introduce.

Fall for her, you can't resist her,

Trust me, mister, she's my sister.

Phoebe: Yeah well Why Me?

Piper: Well he's not my type

Young Grams:

May peace and love,

From the moon above,

Flow through your heart,

On the wings of a dove.

Young Grams: What do I usually do at this point?

Phoebe: You usually do something very final, if you catch my drift.

Young Grams:

Snuff this warlock,

His days are done.

But make him good for the ecosystem.

[As a birthday present Phoebe and Paige are creating the perfect man for Piper.]

Paige: Sensitive, but not a wuss-bag.

Phoebe: And someone that is a good listener.

Paige: Okay, good cook.

Phoebe: Handy around the house.

Paige: Good with kids.

Phoebe: Gets the whole normal-life thing.

Paige: Has a really big--

Phoebe: Paige.

Paige: Uh. Is this the perfect guy or what?

Phoebe: All right, throw it in.

Phoebe & Paige:

A perfect man, we summon now.

Another way, we don't know how.

To make our sister see the light,

Somewhere out there is Mr. Right.

Phoebe: Why not take advantage of him while you can? I mean, figuratively speaking, of course.

Paige: Oh, hell, literally, it is your birthday.

Paige:

On Piper's day, set this table.

With all the favours you are able.

Richard:

I call to thee, pure witch's fire.

Through Vortex flow, The heavenly mire.

Cleanse brackish karma of debris.

From dark to light, sweep history.

Phoebe: Je ne sais pas, pourquoi?.

Paige: Since when do you speak freedom fry?

Paige: Okay, she's French. Bad karma. Napoleon?

Piper: Probably not.

...

Paige: Okay, what about Marie Antoinette, Queen Isabella, the she-wolf of France?

...

Paige: Okay, let's see. Speaks French, hates the country, more than willing to strip in public-- Oh, my God, I saw something in here. [Reading from a book] Famous females spies: Mata Hari.

Piper: Wasn't she one of the bond girls?

Phoebe: Are you in charge here?

Swarm King: I am.

Phoebe: Good. Because I'd like to get into bed with you. Not literally. Although... there may be time for that later.

Piper, Phoebe, and Paige:

Demon swarm that serves as one,

Vanquish him from which they come.

Phoebe: The whole biological clock thing, it's very real and it's echoing: tick, tick, tick, tick...

Piper: Okay, neurotic people, can we get back to my neurosis right now, please?

Phoebe: Sure, which one were we talking about?

Piper: The one where I'm a rotten mother who's raising an antisocial child.

Phoebe: Okay, you know what? I think we should help the magic school, because we can't just keep that head on our foyer table, you know? What is it, a centre-piece?.

Paige: [after meeting Gideon] Who does he think he is? Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Piper, Phoebe, and Paige:

Power of three, unite!

End this grizzly fright,

Reverse the roles,

And make us whole.

Phoebe: I need you to be honest with me. No games, no running away. Just the truth.

Chris: Okay.

Phoebe: Are you Wyatt's little brother?

Chris: [sighs] ... Only if I can get Piper and Leo back together in time.

Phoebe: There was a wolf following us

Sigmund's Head: Not everybody sees what you see, Phoebe. Only those who are meant to see, see

Phoebe: What have you got in there, Confucius?

Piper: [to Shapeshifter Boy] Hey, watch it! I still have a mouth. I'll turn you into a toad

Piper: [After Shapeshifter Boy is turned back] Next time, I'll give you warts!

Phoebe: I've been calling for you all week, didn't you hear me?

Chris: For the first couple of days, yeah. Then I put you on mute.

Phoebe: You can put me on mute?

Chris: Oracles, furtune tellers, soothsayers, they all say the same thing. If Mom and Dad don't screw this month, I'm screwed.

Phoebe: Okay, I'm just trying to get used to you being my nephew... I never hit on you, did I?

Chris: What? No.

Phoebe: Oh, thank god.

Chris: Can we focus here, please? Mom and Dad need to have sex. Now, who's gonna tell them, you or me?

Jinny: When I form my empire, the first thing I'm gonna do is rid the world of witches.

Paige: Oh, yeah? Well, when you're back in your bottle, the first thing I'm gonna do is put you in the microwave. Ha ha. How do you like that?

Chris: Alright, I made a little wish.

Paige: You did what?

Chris: Two little wishes.

Paige: Oh, great. It's not bad enough I have to worry about Richard, now I have to worry about you too. What did you wish for?

Chris: For Leo to forgive me, which by the way was an accident.

Paige: And?

Chris: For Piper and Leo to sleep together.

Paige: Eww! Oh my god, you are sick! What is wrong with you? You're disgusting!

Chris: No...

Paige: You are some creepy registered sex offender from the future.

Chris: No, no, no...

Paige: Oh my god, you are so gross.

Chris: I'm Piper and Leo's son.

Paige: What?

Chris: They're my parents. I came back to save my family.

Paige: You're serious.

Chris: Yeah. Only now I've gotta save myself. Because if my mom doesn't get pregnant in the next month, there is no me.

Paige: This is all so wrong! And this has been such a long day...

Leo: I never stopped loving you.

Spin City

Paige: So are you happy?

Piper: 'Bout what?

Paige : About what the doctor said: it's gonna be a healthy baby.

Piper: Of course it's a healthy baby, I've seen him 22 and walking around.

Paige: Well you never know, something could've gone wrong!

Piper: Oh, stop being such a worry wart, you're starting to sound like...[Chris orbs in] Chris! What are you doing here?

Paige: This better not be about demons, 'coz I am on my lunch break!

Chris: No, no. I just wanted to check how it went with the doctor.

Piper : Well. You'll be happy to know that you're a boy!

Chris : Funny. That's not what I meant.

Paige : [looking at ultrasound] I don't see it...

Piper : Oh, see it's this little thing over here...

Chris : [snatches ultrasound away] Hey! Excuse me, do you mind? [pauses, looks at ultrasound and squints]

Chris: Wait, you had a force field when you were pregnant with Wyatt but not with me?

Piper: Well I didn't have one, he had one. It was all him.

Chris: From the womb? He had powers from the womb? Great, it's not like I didn't have an inferiority complex with him already. Thank you!

Piper: [to Paige] Did you find that demon yet?

Paige: Yes, actually I did. The Spider Demon. It comes out of its lair every thousand years to feed on the most powerful being it can find, that would mean you. [looks at Piper]

Chris: And me.

Chris: Sorta.

Piper: You must be so proud.

Piper: Okay, what do you say we make this eight legged freak wish it'd never been hatched?

Paige: Wait, Chris is right. The whole Wyatt force field thing...

Chris: Okay, do you have to keep rubbing that in?

Paige: Aren't there any therapists in the future?

Chris: We need Phoebe.

Piper: No, I don't wanna interrupt her date with Mark.

Paige: Actually, it's Mike this week.

Chris: No, it's Mitch, but who cares. We need her.

Paige: Are you hormonal or just plain crazy?!

Piper: One woman can only take so much.

Paige: What do you think these people are gonna do when they step out of their offices?

Piper: Well, they won't be touching my stomach anymore, that's what I think...

Paige: [to lady who was touching Piper's stomach] It's okay, it's okay. We all get a little vertigo sometimes.

Leo: Phoebe, Paige, how are you?

Paige: Not so good, we have a problem.

Leo: Perhaps we should meditate...

Chris: [while he's punching Leo] You don't know me!! You don't know me!!

Paige: Bugspray, we shoulda used bugspray.

Chris: Why fight when I've already won.

[The troll knocks at the entrance of the cave. Inside, the Spider Demon growls as she is interrupted from feeding on Piper's cocoon.]

Spider Demon: Damn it. Can't a demon eat in peace?

[She leaves the cave, walking through the webbed doorway.]

Spider Demon: You're pissing me off, ya know?

Paige: Yeah, that's the idea.

Paige: Step on her!

[The troll stands on the Spider Demon (who has tranformed into a spider)]

Phoebe: Eww! That is so gross!

Troll: Sorry!

Crimes and Witch-Demeanors

A Wrong Day's Journey into Right

Paige:

A perfect man, I summon now.

Another way I don't know how.

Bring him now into the light.

Come back to me Mr. Right.

Witch Wars

It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Pt 1

Chris: You know your time-travel section is due for a serious overhaul. I mean, I can find more information Googling.

Gideon: Googling?

Chris: Never mind.

Piper: (to Paige) Don't forget diapers! Lots of diapers!

[IN the alternate underworld, which looks like a jungle. Good and Evil Paige both answer their ringing cellphones.]

Paiges: Piper. Hello?

Piper: Where the hell are you? I'm in labour!

Phoebes: Is she OK?

Paiges: She's in labour.

Piper: Is there an echo?

It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Pt 2

Chris: You're laughing! That's great...your nephew almost killed and you're laughing!

Paige: So we're starring in a little movie called Pleasantville.

Leo: Hey, I'm here now you can hold on okay? Hold on, hold on... I'm here, you can hold on. Don't give up, okay?

Chris: You either...

Leo: No,no,no. Please, no,no, please no...

Chris fades away to nothing

The Bare Witch Project

Cheaper by the Coven

Charrrmed!

Styx Feet Under

Once in a Blue Moon

Someone to Witch Over Me

Phoebe:What are we doing here?

Paige: Well, he said for us to meet him here. He needed to talk to us about something important.

Phoebe: Yeah, but Paige it's a fire.

Paige: So?

Phoebe: So we don't do fires. Firemen do fires. We do fireballs

Leo: So, I don't understand. If I'm in the past...what are you doing here?

Chris: I'm guiding you.

Leo: So you're real?

Chris: No, but I represent something that is. I died in you arms, Dad. Killed by everything that you thought was good. I'm your root pain, okay? And I'm gonna be sticking with you until you're ready to let me go.

Leo: How will I know when that is?

Chris: C'mon. Lets check out yome parts of your life that you really need to remember

Leo:: Do I have a choice?

Chris: Hey it's your vision quest. It's up to you.

Charmed Noir

Piper: Who would shoot a gnome? And why is the G silent?

Paige: They're dicks.

Kyle: [giggles] Dicks?

Paige: No, like private eyes, detectives.

Piper: Matchmake later, save sister now.

Leo: [to Phoebe] Try and block her path.

[Inside the book: Paige and Kyle are walking down the alley. A piano falls in front of them.]

Brody: You were saying?

Paige: Thanks, guys, could you be any less subtle?

Brody: Looks like your sisters agree with me.

Paige: Don't gloat.

Miss Donovan: Lord of the Rings?

Gnome: Historically inaccurate.

Miss Donovan: Harry Potter?

Gnome: Filled with juvenile delinquents.

Miss Donovan: Even the Wizard of Oz?

Gnome: Disparaging to little people. Munchkins being persecuted. Filth!

Paige: Oh, come on, seriously.

Miss Donovan: It is the same story with all the books. None of them deserve to be banned.

Gnome: I suppose you want another naked Godiva riding out of the book again.

Paige: Is that what this is all about? Godiva?

Miss Donovan: It's just an excuse and he knows it. He's using it to push his own agenda which is to stifle freedom of speech.

[The gnome shakes his hand and Miss Donovan's mouth seals up.]

Gnome: Now that's what I call stifling.

Paige: That is uncalled for. You give her her mouth back now.

[He waves his hand and unseals her mouth.]

Miss Donovan: Why you little worm. I should...

Gnome: Little. Did you hear that? She's a size-ist.

The Seven Year Witch

Cole: [to Piper] "You've tried going upstairs twice, out the door three times and through the wall five...make that six times, but hey, you haven't tried the chimney yet."

Piper: :[turning to Cole] What are you exactly? Ghost? Demon? Poltergist? Nightmare?

Cole: None of the above.

[Piper has just fallen into a deep coma and is shocked to see Cole. She steps over her body towards him.]

Piper: I don't know what's worse: the fact that I'm dying, or that apparently, I get to spend my last dying moments on earth with you.

Imaginary Friends

Wyatt: Hey, is this Chris? my gosh, he's so small...hey little brother. Is this before or after he swallowed the marble?

Piper: Marble? What marble?

Phoebe: Easy on the future information.

Wyatt: Of course, you're right.

Piper: No, but really..what marble?

(Paige, Piper, Phoebe, and Future Wyatt are being attacked by a group of Demons that seem immune to Piper's power)

Future Wyatt: Enough! (The demons stop) Leave my family alone. (Fires a powerful energy blast that throws the demons back then disintegrates them, overturning other objects in the attic)

Leo: You guys okay? (Piper stares up at Wyatt in amazement)

Piper: We're fine

Future Evil Wyatt: (to little Wyatt) You see that book over there? Want you bring it to me? Understand...

Little Wyatt (starts to walk towards the Book. Out from the shadows, Leo steps out and walks over to Little Wyatt.)

Future Evil Wyatt: Come on, Dad. You don't even have any powers.

Leo: (smiles) That's right, I don't.

Future Evil Wyatt: So what are you gonna do? Take away my cookies?

Leo: I don't need to do anything. You're gonna stop yourself.

Future Evil Wyatt: That's what I always loved about you, Dad. Such a boundless optimist.

Leo: I know you. I'm your father and I know you still have good in your heart.

Future Evil Wyatt: Now your optimism just sounds pathetic.

Future Evil Wyatt: Dad, seriously. I don't wanna have to hurt you, but if you get in my way...

Leo: I don't believe that.(Leo looks at Little Wyatt) You mind if I come

over there for a second, Wyatt?

Future Evil Wyatt: Stay away from him!

Leo:Is this your Wuvey? Could I see him, please?

Future Evil Wyatt: Get away from him now or I'll kill you!

Leo: I don't think you will (stands up)

Future Evil Wyatt: I told you to stop.

Leo: I was there when you were born, Wyatt. I gave up my powers for you. I tried to change the world for you ...

and I would do it again in a heartbeat. You know why? Because I'm your father.

Future Evil Wyatt: Stop it.

Leo: You wanna kill me? Go ahead. I gave up my life for you before.

Future Evil Wyatt:(begging) Dad, please?

Leo: Look, I love you. Do you understand what that means?

Something Wicca This Way Goes?

Phoebe: Those demons do have a way of keeping you warm at night.

Piper: Yeah, but that's only because they have fireballs.

Still Charmed and Kicking

The Brunette [Phoebe]: I can't believe how many leprechauns are at my urn.

Brown-Haired Woman [Piper]: They always had the hots for you.

The Brunette [Phoebe]: It's a little creepy, but I guess you can't be too picky when you're dead!

The Brunette [Phoebe]: Piper, what are you doing?

Brown-Haired Woman [Piper]: What are you doing? You can't pick up on a guy at a funeral!

The Brunette [Phoebe]: Why not? It's my funeral!

Janice Dickinson aka Paige: [Janice Dickinson has inexplicably arrived at the sisters funeral to pay her respects to Paige and the two dark-haired women drag her into the kitchen] What is the meaning of this? Do you have any idea who I am?

The Brunette: Yeah, as a matter of fact we do...

Phoebe: [The Brunette glamors into Phoebe] Paige.

Janice Dickinson aka Paige: I'm sorry, who?

Brown-Haired Woman: [The Brown-Haired Woman glamors into Piper.] Nice try. The jig's up, sis.

Paige: Oh, all right then, fine. [Janice glamors into Paige] Well, someone had to cry at my funeral!

Billie: [about a fireball a demon is holding] Doesn't that burn your hand?

Malice in Wonderland

Piper: Last year you had a premonition that you would have a daughter which means that this year you have to have a little sex and get pregnant. And since Dex, which coincidentally rhymes with sex, could be the father!

Phoebe: GOD!

Paige: Witches don't wear costumes.

Billie: So the conical hat and black cape are everyday wear?

Run Piper, Run

Billie: [referring to the human ADA] Can't we vanquish him?

Piper: We don't usually vanquish humans.

Piper: I think the only way to save Maya is to get him to confess to the murder somehow.

Paige: Oh, that happens before or after hell freezes over?

Maya: Sorry I kicked you in the face.

Billie: Well, I'm sorry we almost got you killed.

Piper: Hurry, get the mattress.

Paige: What if it doesn't work?

Piper: Well, then it was a bad idea.

Paige: Don't worry, we'll have you out of that unflattering colour in no time!

Desperate Housewitches

Leo: [talking about Piper making Wyatt a costume for a school play, Piper wants to use magic] You wanted a normal life, remember?

Piper: Yes, but that was before I realized our son was going to be humiliated in front of his entire class!

Billie: Oh, that happened to me all the time. Only made me stronger.

Piper: And shut it!

[The Charmed Ones orb into a classroom in Magic School, as demons walk through the corridor.]

Phoebe: Billie was right. It's demon central.

[The sisters peek out of the door, and see Leo talking to The Source.]

Leo: Just trying to help you with the kid, that's all.

The Source: Now why don't I believe that?

Piper: We gotta hurry. Leo's in trouble.

Paige: Yeah, well, how are we going to stop The Source? We have no potions.

Phoebe: It's gonna take a lot more than potions.

Paige: How did you do it last time?

Piper: Not the same way we gonna do it this time.

Phoebe: You have a plan?

Piper: Yeah, and it starts with Mandy.

[In the Great Hall, Mandy watches The Source staring at Leo.]

Mandy: If you don't trust him, just kill him. Then we can go on a family outing. Slaughter a few innocents, have a picnic!

[The Source edges towards Leo, and sniffs.]

The Source: There's not a drop of evil in him. HE'S NOT A DEMON AT ALL!

[He then looks down to see Wyatt standing beside Leo. Leo pulls Wyatt behind him, and The Source looks up at him, gasping in surprise.]

The Source: This is too good to be true ... Daddy!

Mandy: What?!? Wait ...

[Suddenly, Mandy faints to the ground, and the possessor demon seperates from her.]

Demon: What happened? Who did this?

Piper: We did.

[The Charmed Ones enter the Great Hall. As they do, The Source turns to them, and Leo grabs Wyatt, both of them heading to a chair and hiding behind it.]

The Source: I should have known the Charmed Ones weren't really dead! Only you've gone soft in my absence. WITHOUT THE HOLLOW, YOU CAN'T HURT ME!

Piper: Oh really? Hey, cupcake!

[Piper flicks her hands, and the Demon is sent flying into the wall by an explosion. The Source is shocked as the Demon rises to her feet. Piper flicks her hands again, and the Demon is vanquished. The Source yells in agony as he is pulled into a fiery portal, which then explodes and vanishes.]

Phoebe: Talk about your ball and chain!

Paige: I don't really understand. How did you ...

Piper: Well, she conjured him, so they're connected. She goes, he goes.

Phoebe: For eternity now.

Paige: OK, well, we probably should get out of here, before any other demons recognise us ...

Phoebe: What are we going to do with her? :[nodding to Mandy, who is lying unconcious on the floor]

Piper: Oh, come on, we don't need to save her! :[Phoebe looks at her] What? She's still too perky!

Rewitched

Billie: I was just trying to help

Phoebe: How is this helping?

Billie: I didn't mean for you to get married!

Phoebe: Well you know what? I did, and I cannot believe you used magic when we specifically told you not to.

Billie: I thought you just meant demon magic not innocent magic!

Phoebe: Oh, really and (pointing at dress) this is innocent?!

Billie: Well, you look fabulous!

Phoebe: Oh you know what, don't try and butter me up with the compliments missy!

Piper: [running in] Are you out of your mind?, what did you do now?

Billie: Do I have start from the beginning again?

Piper: I can't believe you did this with Agent Murphy watching our very move?

Phoebe: Skip down, I already went through that with her

Billie: I still don't know what I did was so bad

Phoebe: [flashes engagement ring] THIS!, this is what's bad!

Piper: Wow! That's Huge!

[The Charmed Ones walk through Home Security, people staring at them on their way. The secretary stands up, shocked, as they approach her.]:

Piper: Hi, how's it going? Uh, by any chance, is Agent Murphy in?

Secretary: Who-who shall I say is calling?

Paige: Oh, I don't know girls. Maybe we should just ... surprise him!

Kill Billie Vol. 1

Phoebe: I'm pregnant.

Paige: :[as she collapses onto a sofa] Dex?

Phoebe: No actually, it was some guy that I met at the pumping station ... Yes, of course it's Dex!

Battle of the Hexes

[In Home Security's warehouse. Phoebe is clearing out some boxes, and Billie walks to her, holding a big belt.]

Billie: Hey, check this out.

Phoebe: :[turns to Billie, then back to the boxes and then quickly back to Billie again] No, no!

[Billie puts on the belt, which immediately begins to glow. Billie is then magically dressed in a blue top, short skirt, brown leather boots and her hair is plaited, making her look like a goddess. Phoebe is astonished.]

Billie: Uh, what just happened?

Phoebe: We're screwed, that's what happened.

[Billie and Phoebe are walking down the street. Billie is attracting looks and some wolf-whistles due to her goddess-style clothing.]

Phoebe: Typical. Piper has the car, Paige orbs ... Does anyone think that Phoebe needs help? No, of course not. Why? Because it's all about them!

Mr. and Mrs. Witch

Billie: What is going on?

Phoebe: Piper, what do you put in the food?

Piper: Food was in the food, thank you.

Phoebe: Bu-but, how do you explain this?!

Piper: But don't look at me. She's the one who said assassins!

Billie: It was a figure of speech!

Piper: Well, apparently not!

Payback's a Witch

12 Angry Zen

The Last Temptation of Christy

Simon [to Phoebe] My goodness you're fetching!

Phoebe: That is so sweet.

Simon: But you are not half-whitelighter, which is requisite for my future mate, so sorry to disappoint you. But you on the other hand are...

Paige: Did you just say future mate?

Simon: No! No, that was..It came out wrong apologies.

Paige: Ok, here's the deal, we're actually super super busy right now, so it'll be fabulous if you could just orb yourself off now.

The Jung and the Restless

[Piper and Paige are walking down the staircase in the Manor.]

Piper: Did she say what she wanted?

Paige: She just said she wanted to speak to us.

Piper: This could very well be a trap. Did she call Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah, she did.

[Piper and Paige turn to see Phoebe, and begin to walk towards her.]

Piper: Well, at the risk of your wrath, I'm going to tell you that this could be a very bad idea.

Phoebe: I know, but please, let's just listen to what Billie has to say.

Piper: I just spoke with an Elder, and she confirmed that those two could be very big trouble for us.

Paige: What?

Piper: She wasn't 100% sure, but it is a possibility, which means sooner or later ...

[Grey smoke begins to rise from the floor. The three sisters turn to see the smoke fade to reveal Billie.]

Piper: You know, considering you want to kill us, maybe you should use the front door.

Billie: I don't want to kill you Piper, I just want to find out the truth.

Phoebe: Well, how do we help you find that?

Billie: Like this.

[Billie throws a potion vial, which smashes at the sisters' feet. White smoke rises and flows into their bodies, and the sisters fall to the floor. Grey smoke rises up from the floor again beside Billie, which fades to reveal Christie, who stands beside her sister.]

Billie: You promise not to hurt them, right?

Christie: Not until you see what you need to see.

Gone with the Witches

[Piper is standing at the Book of Shadows with a notepad. As she searches through the book, Grams' ring suddenly appears on her finger.]

Piper: :[gasps as she notices the ring] Oh crap.

[She then transforms into an old-fashioned housewife, wearing a blue polka-dot dress with apron, deep red lipstick and ponytailed hair. She then notices that a chair seat has been ripped.]

Piper: This place is a mess.

[She then moves out of the attic at superspeed.]

Kill Billie Vol. 2

Forever Charmed

Phoebe: Are you getting any of this?

Paige: Whatever...as long as we're alive that's all I care about.

Phoebe: Wait, you guys went to the future, too?

Paige: We sure did miss a lot when we were dead.

[Coop flashes in.]

Coop: [to Piper] Hey... [he turns and sees Phoebe.] Phoebe?

Phoebe: Hi.

Coop: Thanks a lot for telling me she's alive.

[Piper tosses Coop's ring to him.]

Piper: You're welcome.

Adult Wyatt: [surprised] Uncle Coop!

[Adult Chris immediately hits Wyatt in the arm to shut him up.]

Phoebe: Uncle Coop?! What!? [she stutters stunned as Chris shakes his head at Wyatt who covers his mouth]

Patty: Now, this is our grandson Wyatt… ooh, so handsome!

Victor: But I-I'm… I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm so confused.

Patty: Ah, you'll get over it. I did.

Victor: Where did you come from.

Patty: 1975. How do I look?

Victor: …Didn't anyone tell her, we're divorced.

[Patty stops smiling.]

Patty: What?

Victor: You dumped me, for your Whitelighter.

Patty: Sam?

Victor: Yeah, Sam! Paige's father!

[Piper and Grams are mixing up a potion. The smoke from the latest ingredient added seems to be somewhat light.]

Grams: That's not nearly enough.

Piper: I think I know how to do it after all this time.

Paige: It's Billie and Christy. They're not demons.

Grams: Well, they might as well be after all you've told me, which means we can't take any chances. [pauses] I can't believe how big this book has gotten. I'm so proud of you girls.

Piper: Then why won't you let me stir?

[Someone knocks on the door.]

Grams: Uh, Piper, why don't you get that?

Piper: Paige, why don't you get that?

Paige: Okay, I'll get that. [rolls eyes]

[She goes to open the door and finds Henry.]

Paige: Hey! What are you doing here?

Henry: What am I doing here? I'm looking for my wife. She didn't come home last night. Are you okay?

Paige: Yes, I'm okay! Of course I'm okay! I mean, we weren't "okay" okay, but now we're okay and in the future I think we're gonna be...I think we're gonna be more than okay.

Henry: [stares blankly] Okay.

Grams: Don't tell me she marries a Whitelighter too.

Piper: Worse. A mortal.

Grams: Oh, good God. Didn't I teach you girls anything?

Piper: Hey, what can I say? There's always Uncle Coop!

Christy: I don't understand! How could this happen?

Piper: Billie projected us here.

Paige: By focusing on you.

Piper: Paige?

Paige: [holds hand out] Ring! [Coop's ring orbs off Christy's finger and into Paige's hand]

Christy: [glaring at Billie] How could you?!?

Billie: Christy, please--it's over. Just come home.

[Christy launches a fireball at Billie and the Charmed Ones, but Billie deflects it back, destroying Christy]

Piper: Well, we changed the past to fix the future and saved the present.

Victor: Wait, what was that?

[Phoebe and Paige are sitting down at the table when Piper joins them with the Book of Shadows.]

Paige: Don't tell me we have to go fight a demon.

Piper: No, [sighs] I don't think we'll have to do that anytime soon.

Phoebe: Then what's with the book?

Piper: Well, I think we should write everything down. Everything that happened, everything we want future generations to know, so we can pass it down. Just like it was passed down to us.

Paige: [looks at Piper, then turns to Phoebe] After you.

[Piper gives the book to Phoebe, who turns it to the first empty page, somewhere in the middle of the book, and starts writing. This is the final dialogue heard between the Charmed Ones before the writing begins, along with the following flash-forward voice-over into the future that finally ends the show.]

Phoebe (voice-over): So much has happened over the last 8 years. So much has been gained and lost. Still, in some ways I feel like my life is really just beginning...and it was. For though I had loved before, I'd never really known love until I met Coop. A man who I shared the special little girl I had long ago forseen, but feared I might never have. Along with two other special little girls I had not forseen. I was suddenly so blessed to have a new family of my own, and old friends to share it with. And though I kept working and giving advice to those who asked, I was more interested in helping them find love. Since finally, having been loved.

Paige (voice-over): Phoebe, had become somewhat of an expert on the subject. As for me, life without demons opened up similar avenues. Henry of course continued to look after his parolees, even if they didn’t want to be looked after. While still making time to help me with little Henry and the twins. Which allowed me time to finally embrace my inner whitelighter. And to help the next generation of witches come into their own.

Piper (voice-over): So that Paige could pass on all that she learned. Not just to her own children, or to mine, or to Phoebe’s, but to other future witches and white lighters as well. Which filled the time between when we were doing the fighting and when our kids were old enough to take over. Allowing me time to get back to my roots and cook something other then potions for once. And open the restaurant I'd always dreamed of owning. As for Leo, after we reclaimed magic school he went back to teaching. Which he continued to do, until it was time to retire. And although we certainly had our struggles…

Old Piper: [50 years later, finishes reading the Book of Shadows to her granddaughter] …and heartaches over the years, we’re a family of survivors and we will always be. Which is why we've truly been Charmed.

Cast

• Holly Marie Combs - Piper Halliwell
• Alyssa Milano - Phoebe Halliwell
• Rose McGowan - Paige Matthews (Seasons 4-8)
• Shannen Doherty - Prudence Halliwell (Seasons 1-3)

• Brian Krause - Leo Wyatt
• Dorian Gregory - Darryl Morris (Seasons 1-7)
• Julian McMahon - Cole Turner / Belthazor (Seasons 3-5, Guest Star Season 7)
• Drew Fuller - Chris Halliwell (Season 6, Recurring Seasons 5, 7 & 8)
• T.W. King - Andy Trudeau (Season 1)
• Greg Vaughan - Dan Gordon (Season 2)
• Karis Paige Bryant - Jenny Gordon (Season 2)
• Kaley Cuoco - Billie Jenkins (Season 8)

• Jennifer Rhodes - Penelope "Grams" Halliwell
• Finola Hughes - Patricia "Patty" Halliwell
• James Read -

• Scott Jaeck - Sam Wilder (Seasons 2, 5 & 8)
• Rebecca Balding -

• Sandra Prosper -

• Wes Ramsey - Wyatt Halliwell (Seasons 6-8)