Billy Madison
Billy Madison is a 1995 film about a hotel heir who goes back school, first through twelfth grade, two weeks per grade, to inherit his father's company.
Billy's Going Back To School...Way Back!
Billy: (singing while relaxing in his pool) Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! (makes a smiley face with his sunblock) Smiley!
- Directed by Tamra Davis. Written by Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler.
Billy Madison
- "I'm sorry. I can't hear you; I've been physically abused in the ear!"
- I see your lips movin', but I can't make out the words! I'm deaf! Oh, Veronica Vaughn... Soooo hot...want to touch the hiney...awoooooooooooooooooooooo!
- It's Nudey Magazine day!
- He called the shit "poop"!
- Well, I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety's sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy! The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog!
- I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
- That's QUACKTASTIC! Quack, quack, quack!
- Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.
- Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
- JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!
- (singing) Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my...lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. (bus approaches) Well, here goes nothin'.
- Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool?! Really! [he notices a white swan on the edge of the bathtub.] Stop lookin' at me, swan!
- (after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house)'(drunkenly) Oh. I see what's goin' on in here. (penguin waves at him) So sorry to interrupt! (turns to Veronica) Proceed!
- You ain't cool, unless, you pee your pants! Everybody my age pee their pants; it's the coolest!
- (after Ernie hangs up the phone) YOU BLEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Chlorophyll?! More likeBORE-O-PHYLL! Right?
- I choose Business Ethics.
- [menacingly] O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family is goin' down...but right now, I gotta study!
- Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?
- (at dodgeball period) Now you're all in big, big trouble!
- (to high-school classmate) No, I will not make out with you!
Clown
- Hey, kids it's me, I bet you thought that I was dead! But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head! Ha-ha-ha!
Game Show Host
- Mr. Madison, what you've just said... is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Old Man Clements
- Don't tell me my business, devil woman! Call the fire department; this one's out of control!
- Yuck! Poop again! I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die!!
Dialogue
- Billy Madison:(faking sickness so he can skip school. He lays in bed with a mouth thermometer he heated with his desk-lamp.) I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
- Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Billy Madison:(disgusted) Oh, my God! I'll go to school!
- Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of "ace". I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.
- Billy Madison: No, you don't.
- Bus Driver: Well, not me personally, but a guy I know...him and her *got it on*! Whoooooo-eeeeee!
- Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
- Bus Driver: No, no, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, huh?
- Dan: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl...who wa-a-an-
- Billy Madison: Pffft! Kid can't even read.
- Ernie: Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.
- Dan: An air-air-air-p-p-p-p-p....
- Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR! Ha-ha-ha!
- 3rd Grader: Hey, look everybody! Billy peed his pants!
- Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants! Everyone my age pees their pants; it's the coolest!
- 3rd Grader: Really?
- Billy Madison: YES! You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
- 3rd Grader: Hey, look! Ernie peed his pants, too. All right!
- Old Farm Lady: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
- Billy Madison: OH! That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! LET'S GO!!!!!!!!!
- 1st grade O'Doyle: Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.
- Billy Madison: I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best video game ever.
- 1st grade O'Doyle: Donkey Kong sucks!
- Billy Madison: You know somethin'? You suck!
- Lunch Lady: Have some more Sloppy Joes. I made 'em EXTRA sloppy for youse! Ha ha ha! I know youse kids like 'em sloppy!
- [the lunch lady laughs evilly.]
- Billy Madison: Lady, you're scarin' us!
- Billy Madison: H-hey! Look at all this milk! You want some of this milk?
- Veronica Vaughn: That milk belongs to that classroom.
- Billy Madison: Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
- Veronica Vaughn: No milk will ever be our milk.
- Billy Madison: Ooh, that wasn't very nice. How 'bout you, Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
- Janitor: I'd rather have a beer.
Billy: (singing while relaxing in his pool) Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! (makes a smiley face with his sunblock) Smiley!
- Veronica: You know some people have no will power, no ambition. They just drift through life like lumps of crap.
- Jack: What is she talkin' about?!
- Frank: Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
- Billy: Maybe later.
- Frank: I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
- Billy: Okay.
- Brian: Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you're lookin' for?
- Billy: Here's a nice piece of shit!
- Frank: Hey Billy, who would you rather bone? Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
- Billy: Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
- Frank: '74.
- Billy: Meg Ryan.
- Frank: (confused look on his face)
- Brian: Billy, it wasn't just high school. Do you remember that spelling bee you won in the 2nd grade?
- Billy: Oh, no you didn't.
- Brian: Rock...R-O-K?!
- Billy: Yeah, so what's your point?
- Brian: R-O-C-K!
- Billy: The 'C' is silent, ha-ha!
- Billy: Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?
- Frank: October?
- Billy: It's Nudie Magazine Day!!
- 12th grade O'Doyle: [after stuffing Billy's locker with manure] O'Doyle rules!
- Billy: O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's going down. But for now, I gotta study.
Taglines
- Billy Madison's Going Back To School...Way Back!
- To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School...Way Back!
- There's A New Name For Dumb.
- A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever.
Cast
- Adam Sandler — Billy Madison
- Bridgette Wilson — Veronica Vaughn
- Bradley Whitford — Eric Gordon
- Darren McGavin — Brian Madison